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By elaine, May 8, 2013 8:51 pm

“If you put small value on yourself, rest assured the world will not raise the price.”

~ John C Maxwell

Not believing in yourself is one of the main reasons that holds people back from being successful.

Most people struggle to recognize and articulate their own value. They feel uncomfortable communicating and creating leverage with others. (Such as a potential client or your boss.)

To be successful you need to recognize that you have value and continually add value to yourself by investing time and effort into you. This isn’t about being arrogant or egotistical – it’s about knowing your strengths and seeing the possibilities.

Here’s the thing…

So many people stop growing and fail to reach their potential because they don’t believe in themselves.

It’s a self-esteem issue.

If you don’t know your own self worth, you limit your potential because you’re not able to recognize the possibilities that are available to you.

As Zig Ziglar once said:

“It’s impossible to consistently behave in a manner inconsistent with how we see ourselves. We do very few things in a positive way if we feel negative about ourselves.”

How do you see yourself? Are you worthy?

• If you don’t believe that you have any value what you’re saying is that you’re not worth investing in.

• If you believe you are worthless, then you’re not going to put the time or effort in or look for opportunities to add value to yourself. You unconsciously relegate YOU to the bottom of the list.

Our own self-image is often a reflection of the value that others project on to us. Most of us set our expectations based on other people’s opinions or beliefs of us.  This is okay if we have supportive and encouraging people around us. If not, then you’ll start listening to the negative influences of others. You stop believing in yourself and listen to the voices of others instead.

Here’s what the naysayers might be saying around you:

• ‘You’ll never account for much!’
• ‘You’ll not get anywhere with running a business’
• ‘No one in our family has ever amounted to much!’
• ‘You’ll fail in six months and wish you’d kept your old job!’
• ‘It’s not going to happen so don’t waste your time.’

These statements are not true…

I believe your potential is unlimited. Explore and cultivate the possibilities of what could be.

Here’s how to start:

1. Stop worrying about what other people think of you – It’s what YOU think of YOU that matters! I’ve coached many people who have been living their lives according to what other people believe about them. My family was skeptical that I’d run my own business. Do it anyway! Create your own solution. You get to choose who you become – Not other people!

2. Listen to your language – You are what you think through the constant conversations that you have in your head. Are these positive or negative? Change the way you think of yourself by improving the quality of your inner dialogue.  Stop being your worst critic and become your coach instead. Have positive conversations rather than negative ones. Tune in to how you talk to yourself.

3. List your strengths – Get to know yourself. Increase your self-awareness by understanding what you’re good at:

• What feedback do you get from others about what you are good at?
• What are your strengths (Strengths Finder 2.0 is a great starting point)?
• What are your talents and skills?
• What are you doing when you’re helping other people?
• What do you enjoy doing?

4. STOP comparing yourself to others – Being successful is about your relationship with YOU. Comparing is an unnecessary distraction that takes your attention away from your intention and is harmful to your self-esteem. It’s all perception and it will either discourage you or feed your ego! None of which serves you or help you grow. Stay in your business of YOU. What do you need in order to grow today?

5. Identify and reframe your limiting beliefs – Most limiting beliefs are self-Imposed. Reframing enables us to find new and different ways of thinking about a situation to open up new possibilities that were previously closed off. Reframing can transform our understanding of a situation and lead to new thinking, feeling, action and better outcomes.

Here are some questions to help you to reframe a limiting belief:

• What are you thinking that’s getting in the way of your success right now?
• How does this make you feel?
• How do you want to think, feel and act instead?
• Write a turnaround statement for yourself.
• Give yourself permission to think, feel and act in this new way.
• Practice it daily so it becomes a habit

5. Look for opportunities to demonstrate your value to others – Share your gifts with others. Be in service to others by helping them with your expertise and experience. Let them know how you can help them. You might have information to share that saves someone time and helps them become more effective. Look for opportunities to reach out. This will create positive experiences.

Take a small step each day to uncovering and sharing your value – Forward motion.

You ARE WORTH IT!

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By elaine, February 13, 2013 11:46 pm

“The best thing about the past is that it’s over. When people don’t deal with the past as if it’s over, then they’re not free to go into the future.”

~ Richard Bandler – Make Your Life Great

Throughout our day we are constantly talking to ourselves – Yes, THAT voice in our head, the one who seems to be sat pulling all the levers in the control tower of you!

I’m constantly reminded about the awesome power of language and how it influences who we are, what we believe and how we show up in our lives.

One of the great masters, who I once had the honour of learning from, is Richard Bandler. I was reminded of his work this week as I was coaching a client who was struggling in her mind to move away from the past and towards a new future that she was defining for herself.

She’d decided on a direction of where she wanted to go, but the voice in her head kept subconsciously sabotaging her thinking and taking her on a road trip back to her past, rather than to the future where she wanted things to go. Also, the close family around her was saying: “You’ll never change, you’re set in your ways!”

When we set a goal and decide to make a change in our lives our conditioning and internal language is still set on the old default pattern that got us stuck in the first place. As our unconscious thoughts travel down the neural highway, we find ourselves suddenly back in that old place where we used to be and we’re stuck once again in the past:

“History is repeating itself…”

“Here we go again…”

“It must just be the way I am, I’ll never change…”

I love using the metaphor of our neural highway being like a busy motorway or freeway. You can almost see the blur of taillights flowing past you at great speed. It feels overwhelming and fast… Before you know it, you’re in the wrong lane and you’re turning down that old piece of road again:  All routes lead back to the past – your old behaviour and patterns of language and beliefs.

We get caught up in old thoughts and loops that no longer serve us.

As my client spoke, her words made me realize that she was going into a behavioural loop; she was becoming anxious and started to become self-deprecating. She became once again, the person in her past rather than the person she now wanted to be.

I asked her to STOP and BACK UP…

This broke the chain… These words opened her to a deeper level of thinking.

We explored her thinking and how it was making her feel. She was frustrated that she was still going down the old road and not catching herself in time. She then described where she wanted to be with passion and enthusiasm.

Then she got clear – She knew exactly what to do…

She decided that this was the last time she was going to take this route. So she mentally installed a ‘Wrong Way – Go Back’ sign on her neural highway slip road (on-ramp) before the entrance of the old highway she was unconsciously turning onto.

She is now watching her language and paying attention so when that old thinking comes along, she has a conscious system to STOP and BACK UP so she doesn’t go the wrong way. She’s now able to follow the new signage of where she wants to go:  Happiness ahead. Better relationships – next exit, new career coming – 800 yards!

I helped her create some strategies to back up and reframe the situation, and replace her negative language with positive using the power of her intention.

My client reconfigured her brain with some new language patterns that serve her future and not her past. This shifted her state of mind and made things different so she can keep an eye on where she wants to be. She’s moving forward once again.

The past is what we know and we use it as a compass point, a frame of reference for comparison, whereas the future is unknown. It’s uncertain and we’ve no tangible evidence to support that anything could actually be different or better out there. It’s risky and uncomfortable. But you have two great advocates:  faith and courage, if you choose to take them along on the journey with you.

Creating and following a new route takes time and sometimes a little extra support and direction. It’s hard to do it all on your own. The last thing you need is someone with a clipboard standing over you telling you “you’ll never change or it won’t last long – look what happened last time!”

Dwelling on the past keeps you stuck – You’re going the wrong way!

Some people spend years and loads of money in therapy trying to understand WHY the past happened. My philosophy is that learning and growing (and healing) is all about letting go and taking forward motion. Life is fluid and too short to keep using the past as your navigation tool for the future. Create something new; you’ll be surprised how refreshing and exciting the new feelings are that come your way. It sets you free to go into your future!

Sometimes you need a little coaching support to get you started and change the language in your head. This opens you up to a world of infinite possibility.

What do you want behind you and want do you want in front of you?

Watch your language! How is it serving you right now?

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By elaine, October 18, 2012 2:46 am

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” 

~Anna Quindlen, Author.

Hands up all the perfectionists out there!

Some of us struggle with perfectionism.

I’ll admit it I’m a reformed perfectionist. The core of my perfectionism was around earning approval and acceptance. This relates back to my childhood and going to the same school where my Dad was employed as a teacher.

My perfectionism was a shield that I could hide behind. I could prove that I was good through my results and NOT because I was getting special treatment from the other teachers. I was the perfect pupil at school. I demonstrated all the right behaviours: polite, good mannered, followed the rules, helped out and was friendly. It was here that I also developed and honed my people pleasing skills.

I was quite the model pupil – lots of ‘A’ grades on my school reports. My attention focused on protection as I craved praise for my performance and achievement. Perfectionism was quite addictive because I wanted to do everything just right. Looking back I realise that this strive for perfection was a protection mechanism to shield me from the pain of others saying that really I wasn’t good enough and for judging me as getting good grades only because my Dad was a teacher. I became focused on what will they think of me? I had to prove to everyone that I was a high achiever.

Of course, this transcended into my adult life, work and relationships.

My perfectionism wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t about self-improvement or striving to be my best. It was about self-protection. This defense mechanism actually held me back by creating a negative belief system around what will they think of me? I created this to maintain my self-worth and avoid judgment, self-blame and shame associated with being the daughter of a teacher at my school.

Research shows that perfectionism hampers success and can create depression, anxiety, addiction and leads to missed opportunities because of being afraid to step out and be anything less than perfect.

Here’s the truth…

There is no such thing as perfect.

It’s a myth!

From my experience perfectionism didn’t lead to results. Instead it sabotaged my efforts and reduced my self-worth. I got exhausted always trying so hard.

I believe that perfectionism is more about perception. You only have to look at how today’s media influences us: How we should look, what we should wear, what we should buy. The influences around us filter through and reinforce our limiting beliefs that we are not perfect enough.

The truth is about having the humility to step back and look at yourself as vulnerable and beautiful and a WORK-IN-PROGRESS. Acknowledge your vulnerabilities and cultivate self-compassion by becoming your own best friend, loving yourself for who you are and begin to embrace your imperfections. Begin with empathy for yourself.

“It is in the process of embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts: courage, compassion, and connection.”

~Brené Brown, Author

Being Imperfectly Perfect is liberating for me every day. Having permission to not have to get it 100% right all the time is hugely important for any human being. Most of us would never start anything.

I‘ve learnt how to let go of what I perceive other people think of me and today life is much more effortless…

I’m proud to say authentically that I am Imperfectly Perfect. I’m doing the best that I can and this is ALWAYS good enough.

Give yourself permission to acknowledge your vulnerabilities and embrace your imperfections.

Cultivate the courage to be Imperfectly Perfect.

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By elaine, September 12, 2012 4:36 pm

“Think about someone you know who is steeped in the fixed mindset. Think about how they’re always trying to prove themselves and how they’re supersensitive about being wrong or making mistakes. Did you ever wonder why they were this way? (Are you this way?) Now you can begin to understand why.”

~ Carol Dweck, Author – Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.

The truth is that not everyone is coachable.

Coaching can ONLY work if the partnership is a good match and both parties show up and take full responsibility for their role.

You can’t force someone to be coached (though I’ve witnessed many attempts at this in corporate when managers have tried to fix their people by trying to ‘coach’ them!).

The coachee (the person being coached) has to develop a coaching mindset to be open and tuned into learning. This involves some vulnerability.

Any coach will struggle to coach someone who doesn’t have the right mindset. The relationship feels uncomfortable for both parties. There is no connection or congruence and it’s hard work.

Here’s how to tell if you’re in the wrong mindset for being coached:

1. You don’t want to take any responsibility for the coaching relationship.
2. You believe that the coaching is being ‘done to you.’ It’s imposed rather than a relationship that you’ve freely entered into.
3. You don’t allow yourself time to reflect on your own behavior or outcomes. You just turn up and hope for the best.
4. You have no desire to change.
5. You have no intention of doing the work and use being ‘too busy’ as an excuse.
6. You don’t own your part of the coaching process.
7. You expect the answers from your coach, but you don’t want to go there too deeply yourself.
8. You’re secretly worried that your coach will judge you and compare you to other clients.
9. You are in awe of your coach and just want to please him/her. This contorts and twists you away from what you really need to learn.

From my experience, I believe that your own view of yourself has a profound effect on the way you lead your life. It influences whether you become the person that you want to be and affects your outcomes of what you are able to accomplish.

It’s all in your mind!

You can change your mind…because mindsets are just beliefs

It’s your choice!

Here’s how to develop a coaching mindset:

1.     I have a desire to learn – Scientists have proved that human beings have more capacity for life long learning than ever thought. You stop learning, you stop growing and you stop living. YOU are your greatest experiment! Be a lifelong student of YOU. Learning keeps you fully alive…You are a work in progress. Keep growing to keep going!

2.     I’m prepared to look in the mirror – You’re naturally curious and actively seek opportunity to ask: “What is it like being on the receiving end of me?” You believe that you can develop and grow. You’re open to accurate information through feedback and conversations about your current ability and behavior even if it’s unflattering or uncomfortable. You positively see this as your raw materials for growth.

3.     My potential is unlimited – You understand that your ability is not fixed and it can be developed through learning. You are prepared to invest in your own growth. You are always looking for opportunities to stretch your knowledge and experience. You thrive when you are stretching outside of your comfort zone and developing new skills. You know this may take time – it’s all about making progress.

4.     I’m open to change – You see yourself as imperfectly perfect and accept this openly. You know that change isn’t always easy. It takes determination and persistence. Achieving your goal can involve some hard work. You have to show up when you don’t feel like it. Your effort ignites your growth and increases your ability. You embrace change.

5.     I take responsibility – You are prepared to dive in with passion even if you don’t feel confident. You take responsibility for setting your mind for success. Achievement comes from your continued commitment and self-motivation. You are aware that you’re responsible for your thoughts and reframe negative thoughts knowing that they are not the truth. You take responsibility for setbacks and see them as portals for growth.

Change can be tough but from my experience it’s always worth it – It’s life enhancing.

I have a richer and more authentic life because I continue to develop a coaching mindset. I’m not as critical of myself and I’m more alive, open and courageous because of it.

Do you have the right mindset to be coached?

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By elaine, July 3, 2012 3:36 pm

“No creature can fly with just one wing. Gifted leadership occurs where heart and head – feeling and thought – meet. These are the two wings that allow a leader to soar.”

Daniel Goleman, Author

Many years ago I worked as a Management Development Manager for the chartered airline of a large holiday company in the UK. One day I was asked to coach a manager (John) who’d been accused of bullying his staff. He seemed confused by the whole thing.

On further investigation I realized what had happened…

John was asked to be a leader and given a team of engineers to manage.  He was ‘promoted’ to management because of his amazing technical expertise as an engineer. He knew everything about the aircraft he worked on and was a point of reference for others. John had great value as a technical expert. He loved his job.

…Then he was promoted to leader… No one had taught him how to manage people. He was used to managing aircraft…a totally different skill-set! During his entire career John had been taught how to develop his technical expertise – now he had to deal with humans! He had no frame of reference and didn’t know how to do it.

Knowledge, skills, technical ability, conceptual thinking, clarity and intelligence are often seen as the key characteristics for leadership.

However, this is only half of the picture…

You may have great knowledge, skills and technical experience but this alone won’t make you a leader. You might have the best ideas in the world, but if you can’t execute your vision by guiding, inspiring, motivating, listening, influencing, and engaging others your ideas will stay just as ideas… no one will listen.

Self-awareness is often ignored in the business world. It’s not seen as important because we are often too busy doing the work and being busy to stop, recognize and understand our own emotions or the impact that they have on our actions and results. Intellect rules in the business world!

Unfortunately sometimes these actions and results have a negative effect on your relationships or job performance. You are oblivious to your own feelings and unaware of how other people might feel. Unknowingly you let anger build up until it reaches boiling point – then you lash out at someone. This is what happened to John – he was doing the best he could with the resources he had. He’d learned all about leading with the head and thought because his technical career guided him down that route alone.

If you are unaware of your own emotions you can’t manage them and this distorts how you view and respond to situations. If you lack self-awareness then you are oblivious to your own feelings or those of others around you. You are unaware of how your emotions affect your job performance.

Self-awareness has a critical role to play in leading a successful life. It influences our behaviour (what we do, what we say and how we act).

Becoming self-aware means that you are in tune with your inner signals:  you connect with yourself from the inside out.

Here’s what having self awareness means…

1. You have a deeper understanding of YOU – You can recognize your own emotions, values and motives. You know how your emotions can trigger and impact your behaviour. You know what motivates you and you move towards it at work or at home. You have a passion for your work and enjoy it.

2. You are more realistic – Perception is reality. We judge other people by their actions; we judge ourselves by our intention. People who have high levels of self-awareness are more realistic because they are honest with themselves and others. Their actions match their intentions. You know your limitations and play to your strengths.

3. You are less critical of YOU – Awareness brings honesty. People who are self-aware don’t take things personally and get defensive. They are able to laugh at themselves and be more forgiving. You embrace being imperfectly perfect! You speak openly about your emotions. You demonstrate a grace when learning about areas that you need to improve on and encourage feedback. You ask for help.

4. You have vision and focus – You can articulate your goals, values and dreams. You know where you’re headed. You know your WHY… You know what matters the most and have a clear map to build your future.

5. You are connected to your intuition –You are tuned in to what feels right and this helps you in your decision-making because you are aligned to your values. Attuning your feelings helps you find meaning and make better decisions. You make time for self-reflection and to think things over. You respond, rather than react, to your surroundings.

Having self-awareness enables you to consciously act from a place of authenticity and conviction. Understanding your emotions and having clarity of purpose help you to focus and achieve your goals.

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By elaine, April 25, 2012 5:49 pm

“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”

 ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

When I decided to start my own business I was fired up and ready to go! I bought all the books my mentor (and other people) recommended and signed up for numerous online programs and packages.

Then I drowned in an ocean of self-help modules and leadership resources! I felt overwhelmed and scared because I  had so much stuff to learn. I had no plan so the  learning tools gathered dust on a shelf as I got busy doing coaching and trying to be successful!

My personal development stopped. I’d get stuck with some of the basic business challenges because I wasn’t growing. Others around me seemed to be growing faster and getting more success, this hurt!

Here’s what I realized…

Buying learning won’t help you to learn – You have to READ and APPLY the tools consistently! This is where most of us fall down.

I was trying to grow my business without growing myself.

This also applies if you work in the corporate world. You get promoted and take on a leadership role and there’s a whole new set of responsibilities placed on you!

Whether you work in corporate or for yourself, one of the minimum requirements of being successful is your ability to grow. The “Future belongs to learning.” Active continuous personal development separates the successful from the mediocre… and the gap between the two is wide!

Here’s my personal development success formula…

You have to INVEST in yourself on three levels:

1. Invest money (I was good at buying the books, mentors and resources!)
2. Invest time – (I didn’t invest the time because I was too busy doing!)
3. Invest attitude - (I invested in a growth mindset and take my personal development very seriously)

All three need to be present…

I know individuals who have ignored these and it has destroyed their careers by developing fixed mindset and  relying purely on status, ego and past experience to solve future problems. Learning is seen as a weakness by these people!

If you stop learning, you stop leading. You stagnate and you will fail.

Successful people invest time, money and attitude in their own personal development and it pays off.  They take learning seriously because they recognize its real value.

Here’s how to grow your own success from the inside-out:

1. Start from where you are now – You may have loads of resources backed up. Just choose ONE! Commit to working through that one resource, then move onto the next. Begin today.

2. Read for an hour a day – Wake up an hour earlier each day and read each morning first thing. If you do this 5 days a week – that’s five hours of reading! Just think how many books you could read in a year and the advantage you would have over your peers! Make notes and apply one thing you’ve read during the day (Start with 30 minutes and build up. Turn the TV off and read for an hour each night if you ‘don’t do’ mornings!).

3. Listen to audio books on the move – I listen to learning while I’m working out at the gym! I find the gym boring! Now I learn as I workout and time flies by. I make a few notes back in the changing room! You can also listen as you drive, fly or take the train!

4. Have an ATTITUDE for learning – Is your passion and commitment for what you do greater than any inconvenience in timing or travelling? I travel thousands of miles for my own personal development it’s not always convenient – I look beyond discomfort because I’m passionate about being the best I possibly can be. Get out from behind the convenience of your computer and look beyond the discomfort of travelling! Take your personal development seriously – Mean it! Activity seek out specific events and trainings that will help you grow. Group learning can expand your mindset and your skillset. Go to the source of the expertise and learn from the best if you want to be the best!

5. Plan your personal development time – Schedule dates and times for each week and show up! Look for opportunities to learn – Carry a book or IPad with you! Read while you wait for appointments (Instead of wasting time on Facebook!).

6. Apply what you learn – Reading is only a small part of the process. Growing involves USING what you’ve learned and is critical for success. I know hundreds of managers who have read: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey, but only about 15% have actually applied any of the content to their life.

7. Work with a mentor – If you want to run a million pound business, then you want to learn from someone who has first hand experience and can provide wisdom, intuition and support. Working one on one will help you to: stay focused, be accountable, keep your commitment and create the discipline and persistence to make things happen.  A coach or a mentor can help you to maximise your potential and be the best in your career or business.

Are you passionate enough about your success to seriously  INVEST in your personal development?

How much do you REALLY WANT to be successful?