Category: Genuine

Five ways to protect your confidence

By , June 20, 2013 7:15 pm

Thermometer - Confidence Level“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong.” 

~ Ralph Waldo Emmerson

I love this quotation because it reminds me that growing and making change comes from taking action. Creating forward motion almost always brings criticism with it. Why? Because taking action tests the boundaries of our own beliefs and the beliefs of others, as we step out of our comfort zone to create a new normal.

It’s normal to feel a little ‘wobbly’ or scared when you are taking charge of your life and making some changes. After all, you are leaving behind what you already know to make a transition in a different direction.

This takes courage.

It’s easy to doubt yourself and lose confidence when others around you are telling you that you are wrong. Friends and family might criticize your decision. Someone else might be doing what you do in a different way, but it doesn’t feel congruent or authentic. Yet you still feel the pressure of how they are doing it because they seem to be getting results. Do you copy them? Or do you carve your own path and do it your own unique way?

Everyone has opinions of what you should do, but here’s the thing – their opinion of you or what you are doing is theirs and not yours! And their opinion doesn’t have to become your own reality.

You get to make your own decisions and you are accountable for the choices you make and the actions you take. You don’t need to ask for permission.

In my experience, most people underestimate their potential and play safe by reaching out for what is within their grasp, rather than stretching and aiming higher. The danger is that you settle for mediocre and what you have rather than what you could create.

As you grow, expect a few obstacles along the way. When you take action you create ripples of change in the energy around you. It’s very tempting to succumb to the belief that your critics were right after all. Especially if you feel tired and things are feeling a little harder.

Here are five ways to protect your confidence while taking consistent action towards your goals and dreams:

1. Surround yourself with the right people – Jim Rohn once said that you are the average of the five people who you spend most of your time with – we become like them. Growth thrives in a positive encouraging environment. Leave the naysayers and negative people behind. Associate with like-minded, nurturing, encouraging and supportive people. As you experience new things you will encounter difficulties. Having a positive sounding board will help you through. Surround yourself with positive people who are authentic, have integrity, and who are the after of your before. They will lift you up.

2. Listen to your body – Your physical needs also affect your confidence. Be fully present in your body and listen to it when you are tired, hungry or dehydrated. These three things can have a huge impact on your confidence. Their absence will have a negative affect on your attitude and state of mind. Take a break, eat healthily and look after yourself. Tired and exhausted people are rarely successful. Take a break – go for a walk!

3. Keep going and keep growing – Life is about the present moment. What you do NOW influences who you will become in the future. It starts NOW! Get clear on what’s important and create a plan of consistent action – one step at a time. You become an expert by taking time to learn about your passion. Increasing skills and competence will help you to feel more confident each and every day. Get good at what you do by practicing it imperfectly. Experience is a great teacher and can lead to significant growth.

4. Take personal responsibility for your thinking Choose to be courageous. Don’t be distracted by external noise – stay on course. Focus on your truth and what is important for you. Have faith in your intuition and believe in YOU. Learn to recognize your own emotions and their impact. Develop a deeper understanding of your emotions, strengths and limitations. Recognize how negative patterns can feel overwhelming and cause you distress. This is known as an amygdala hijack and it’s just your Lizard Brain trying to protect you. Learn to reframe these quickly.

5. Re-decide – Remind yourself of your WHY and in the face of self-doubt, get clear again. Make being authentic your number one goal and stick with it. Allow courage to overcome any fear. Don’t let fear rule your decisions, just because somebody has challenged you. People WILL push up against you – especially when you’re doing something different. Learn to rescue yourself and step back in alignment with your vision every day.

How are you protecting your confidence?

 

 

Recognizing and Understanding How Other People Feel – An Empathic Approach to Success

By , November 7, 2012 4:17 pm

“Empathic people are superb at recognizing and meeting the needs of clients, customers and subordinates. They seem approachable, wanting to hear what people have to say. They listen carefully, picking up on what people are truly concerned about, and they respond on the mark.”

 ~ Daniel Goleman, Author

Thinking that you can do everything yourself is a myth. Our own power actually comes from the self-awareness that we can’t be in control of everything. We must depend on and interact with others if we want to succeed.

Relationships are an essential part of our daily life and work. The quality and effectiveness of our connection with others makes a huge difference to our success as a people manager, coach or business owner.

Do you genuinely care about the people that you work with?

Your clients? Your team? Your colleagues? Your customers?

The relationship is important, but it’s often ignored, not considered or neglected. Many of us have heavy workloads and pressure, which limits the time available to focus on building relationships. Instead we focus on WHAT needs to be DONE. Empathy and rapport are seen as luxuries. It’s quicker to make assumptions and fill in the gaps, especially if you feel you are the expert in the conversation.

This can leave the other person feeling manipulated and not listened to, even attacked.

I’ve known leaders who use a telling style and jump straight in with a solution, once they get a glimmer of an idea about what the other person is talking about (even if its not wanted!).

You may start a conversation about a topic and the other person railroads it, taking over to share their example or experience, with little interest for what you have to say. The conversation ALWAYS ends up about them… (Does this sound familiar?!).

This is what I call the ‘me’ Factor: Minus Empathy!

‘I’m going to talk about me…then I’d like you to talk about me!’

Talking all about me creates a lack of trust, openness and honesty. It’s usually when our ego kicks in to help build us up and make us feel more superior.

No one wants to listen to someone who is ONLY interested in themselves, their issues or their achievements.  It drains the other person, who gets tired of listening and walks away.

One of the essential elements of Self-Leadership is empathy.

Empathy is created from self-awareness:

1. Stepping back and knowing what it’s like being on the receiving end of you… Being attuned to your inner signals.

2. Developing the ability to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and view things from their map of the world.

Here are some tips on using a coaching style to create empathy if you want to build better relationships and empowering experiences for your clients, team or customers:

  1. Listen first before reacting or jumping in with feedback or solutions, allowing the conversation to flow. Listen with an intent to understand, not respond. This is the greatest gift you can give to someone.
  2. Focus on their intention, not yours. What is important to them? A good question to ask yourself is: ‘Am I making this about me or about them?’
  3. Be Authentic. Any advice given is genuinely in the interest of the other person and you’re not trying to manipulate them to your agenda, or fit them into your model of thinking.
  4. See their potential to work it out for themselves with your support. Hold that space encouraging and motivating them to think for themselves and own their solutions.
  5. Show you care by communicating that you believe in them. Demonstrate that you prepared to invest time in what they have to say. Be fully present and they will sense that you care. They’ll open up more and relax, the conversation will flow easily and they’ll feel motivated and accountable for their results.

Self-awareness and empathy together help you to become an authentic leader. You create a genuine sense that you truly want to hear the other person’s thoughts and concerns and that you understand them.

 

7 Ways to Improve Your Personal Power and Influence as a Leader…

By , October 24, 2012 3:53 pm

“One word expresses the pathway to greatness: voice. Those on this path find their voice and inspire others to find theirs. The rest never do.”

 ~ Stephen R Covey, Author.

Many of us struggle when trying to influence others (sometimes we can’t even influence ourselves!)

One of the key elements of influencing is credibility.

You may have heard the saying: perception is reality – Other people judge you by your actions (what you do, what you say or how you act) and NOT by your intentions. Your behavior has a huge impact on your credibility.

You are your demonstrated behavior…

I’m often asked the question: How can I build my personal credibility?

Just because you’re CEO of your company or a manager/team leader in your department, this doesn’t mean that others will listen to you. Credibility isn’t guaranteed – you have to create it.

Sometimes you can leverage your expertise or use your status to influence others. You also may have witnessed where this power is over used (usually when someone’s ego kicks in and they become power-crazed!).

One often overlooked power-base is integral to your credibility (and authenticity): your personal power. It can be very effective.

I believe that we all are all born with unlimited personal power. Life bestows this gift upon us. As kids, we test it out in its purest form. Over time our personal power is shaped by cultural, social and parental influences around us.

These create layers of structure and conditioning that teach us how to blend and fit in. We unconsciously follow what is ‘acceptable’ behavior for someone in that role being influenced by those who we perceive to have authority around us.

 We are taught to keep our head down, be a ‘good employee’ and we blend into to our surroundings. Our own personal power is pushed down and subdued.

Sometimes we play small, perhaps over-awed by the perceived power of others. We become de-sensitized and numb to our own personal power, falsely believing that others have higher value and worth.

Your own personal power is ALWAYS available to you… You just have to choose to use it by becoming the power point in your life.

Here’s how to develop your Personal Power…

Clarity - People with high levels of personal power are clear and focused on what is important. They know what they want to achieve and can describe it to others. They have clear goals and take deliberate action.

Self-awareness – Most people struggle to allow their own voice to speak out. Finding your voice allows you to contribute, lead and make a difference. It is an evolving process: You don’t just wake up one morning and it’s lying next to you! You have to become a Student of YOU and go in search of it.

There are untapped talents lying dormant inside all of us. Tap into your strengths: What are you good at? What do you enjoy doing? What are you passionate about? Build on your strengths by looking for opportunities to use them in your daily work. Share them with others: I have value…Here’s how I can help.

Energy and Enthusiasm - Energy and enthusiasm are linked. They feed off each other and are key components of personal power. Successful, positive people have an abundance of energy. Enthusiasm is infectious: What are you infecting the people around you with??

Empathy - Understanding the other person’s map of the world, as they see it, is hugely important if you want to influence them effectively. If I believe that you understand me I will be more open and honest with you. Listening and understanding is important because people buy off people they know, like and trust. Genuinely show that you care. This isn’t about YOU… It’s ALL ABOUT THEM. Tune in to the people you are serving – Get to know them.

By being empathic you are demonstrating that you understand and respect their point of view (Even if you disagree). You are giving them value, showing you care by being authentic.

Self-belief - You are what you believe. Your thinking is YOUR reality. People with high levels of personal power believe in their vision and take deliberate action to make things happen. Learn how to reframe your limiting beliefs and change your thinking. Become the power point in your life. Believing in yourself makes you credible to others.

Lead the way – You don’t need formal authority to lead – Our conditioning just makes us falsely believe this. Stop waiting to be one of the ‘chosen few.’ Decide to step into your power and be proactive rather than reactive. Stop waiting for someone to give you permission to lead. Self-leadership begins from the inside out. Lead yourself and others will follow… Just be YOU!

Look for support  - A coach can help you develop and leverage your personal power. This can make a huge difference to your confidence and success.

Re-connect to your personal power.

Why being vulnerable makes you a better leader!

By , September 19, 2012 11:30 pm

“Being vulnerable takes a great deal of courage because it means letting go of the old notions of control, forgetting forever the illusion that you can be in control.”

~ James A Autry, Author

 

Here’s how I see it…

Being vulnerable is an essential characteristic of being an authentic leader because you transcend to a deeper level of connection and meaning to your work, your life and your dreams. It evokes your spirit of self-leadership and gives you permission to be your real authentic self.

There’s always an element of discomfort and self-doubt at the start of any leadership workshop, as the participants inwardly compare themselves to the other people in the room.

I recently trained the first module of leadership programme and was surprised to see three different levels of management on the same workshop. How can you be fully open to learning if you have your boss or your team members in the same room?

It was a risky experiment…

Would people be open to learning? Would they be open and honest or would they just pay lip service to each other in order to seek approval?

This risk paid off BIG time…

What I witnessed in the classroom was transformational… I observed a deeper human connection to each other and the meaning of work. Egos and fixed mindsets dissolved before my eyes as people openly shared their growing pains and were prepared to learn from each other.

The whole experience actually made me a little teary!

Here’s why being vulnerable can make you a better leader in your life…

We are more similar than you think. Whoever we are, however we look and whatever role we play in the world, we all have similar hopes and fears, ambitions and desires. We all experience loss, grief, love and achievement.

People who develop a fixed mindset perceive the world through a distorted lens where some people are superior and others inferior. Their ego protects them by constantly comparing them to others and they feel a need to display their superiority. They don’t take their weaknesses seriously because it’s too risky.

Here’s how the EGO sees it: There’s a huge risk in stepping away from what you do well in order to try to master something new… don’t do it!

You get to be yourself. Sometimes we sacrifice who we are for the sake of what we perceive other people think we are. The best gift you can give the world is an authentic YOU. Knowing yourself gives you the confidence to hold the same values in whatever role you are playing in work or your life. You are the same REAL person in every situation and you’re not trying to be someone or something else. You are living true to yourself, being honest and open irrespective of status or ego.

It takes great courage to be vulnerable because you’re letting go of an illusion of control. Our true power comes from our ability to recognize that we can’t always be in control and it’s okay to ask for help and the support of others. You can openly admit when you are wrong. Being vulnerable isn’t always a safe option because it means playing outside of your comfort zone, where it can feel unsafe and uncomfortable. It’s easy for others to ridicule you, especially when you’re trying something new. Remember that ridicule and criticism is a reflection of the other person’s fear because they feel threatened (it’s not about you).

You connect with yourself at a deeper level. You’re being honest with your feelings and open to doubt, fear and uncertainty. Most of us learn to hide our feelings and protect ourselves in early life because it is perceived as a sign of weakness, so you push them deep down inside and repress them. Knowing yourself helps you to have a deeper faith in your intuition.

You don’t seek approval from others. Acceptance is more important than approval. You listen to others and accept people without judgment. You don’t tell people what you think they might want to hear. You deliver the truth with compassion and empathy. It’s not about winning or losing. You accept disagreement as a natural part of human interaction.

You’re a risk taker. Vulnerability is a risk you have to take if you want to create and experience deeper connection and success in your life. Putting your real self out into the world can feel daunting. However, I see a greater risk in hiding your true self by contorting, twisting and pretending to be something else instead of expressing your ideas or sharing your value in the world.

You stay in your power. When faced with a vulnerable situation, you get grounded, clear and deliberate with your intention holding authenticity as your goal. You stand in your power rather than playing small and shrinking to protect yourself.  Vulnerability is infectious! You lead the way by role modeling your bravery to others… Pass it on!

Being vulnerable takes a great deal of courage and it’s not an easy choice.

When you choose to be your REAL self, your world changes. People start to connect with you at a deeper level; they perceive you as honest, open and authentic. You stop contorting yourself to ‘fit in’ and ‘people please’ – You become the leader in your life.

Give yourself permission to be vulnerable…

 

How Being ‘Nice’ Can Destroy Your Success in Business.

By , July 10, 2012 6:56 pm

In many cultures building a strong relationship is a requirement for doing business. This is a natural motivational driver for some where helping people is a priority.

“Bless him! Jack is so nice! He’s such a lovely person…”

…was how people described Jack – a coaching client. Jack was always concerned with maintaining harmony and getting along with people, even if it involved contorting himself to fit in.

Jack was overly nice. He valued people and their feelings more than achieving goals and tasks. He strived to keep people happy and create harmony. This had limited his success in business.

I have to confirm that a friendly approach creates connectivity and builds empathy. It works extremely well if you want to increase morale, improve communication or offer emotional support to someone with personal challenges.

Unfortunately, Jack was a people-pleaser and relied solely on this approach to lead. He was too concerned with keeping things harmonious. His philosophy was:

If people like me, then they’ll want to work with me.

He was always worried about getting along with people. Looking after others was his priority and he’d always move towards people that he perceived needed help.

Being helpful, supportive and focusing on positive relationships is a strength. If this strength is over-played though, it can have a negative effect on relationships leading to poor performance and mediocre results…

Being overly nice contorted Jack’s lens for doing business effectively: He’d lower the price to prospective clients and was always giving his time or services away for free. He was seen as ‘a soft touch.’ He’d not give feedback to his staff in fear of upsetting them. He’d spend time worrying about whether people liked him or not. Work took second place to his feelings.

Being ‘nice’ takes a lot of energy.

Here’s how to recognize when being nice is too much…

1. You’re too concerned about keeping harmony – You shy away from confrontation or difficult conversations. You’re always stepping in to keep things sweet and cool. Looking after others is your sole priority.

2. You avoid giving feedback – You neglect to give honest and open feedback to your clients and staff. They can’t improve because you keep the information to yourself. You focus on giving praise and rarely offer advice on how to improve. Others may feel that mediocrity is tolerated.

3. You worry what people think of you You are more concerned about getting along with people, sometimes to the detriment of the task in hand! Task accomplishment becomes a potential blindside. You worry about what people might/might not be thinking about you. This becomes your priority and distorts your thinking. You constantly replay in your mind whether they like you or not maybe you upset them when you said…

4. You’re too friendly in a crisis – Instead of taking the lead and providing clarity and direction, you’re too focused on keeping everyone happy and maintaining the welfare of others. You play down the situation and people are left to figure it out for themselves. Others may see you as a soft, wasting time, unfocused, and thinking too much about people when it’s not the key issue here.

5. If you like me, then you’ll buy from me – You falsely believe that if someone likes you then they’ll buy from you. So you contort yourself to be nice in the hope that they will step forward to work with you. You give things away (time, energy, services) in the hope that they will sign up or come onboard with your idea. This is playing small because you constantly underplay your value. They may like you, but they won’t buy if they can’t see the real value you are hiding from them.

Business isn’t about being nice – it’s about serving people at the highest level and helping them to achieve the results that they want.

It’s not about getting people to like you… (the fact is that some people won’t like you!)

Having empathy is different from being nice. Empathy enables you to care for the whole person: their feelings and their goals. You serve others best by moving between focusing on the value of the relationship and the value of the task. Moving towards the goal involving people along the way.

Be yourself, stand in your power and lead by balancing the emotional needs of others through task accomplishment and direction.

Balance is the key…

 

How to Improve YOUR Emotional Self-Awareness

By , July 3, 2012 3:36 pm

“No creature can fly with just one wing. Gifted leadership occurs where heart and head – feeling and thought – meet. These are the two wings that allow a leader to soar.”

Daniel Goleman, Author

Many years ago I worked as a Management Development Manager for the chartered airline of a large holiday company in the UK. One day I was asked to coach a manager (John) who’d been accused of bullying his staff. He seemed confused by the whole thing.

On further investigation I realized what had happened…

John was asked to be a leader and given a team of engineers to manage.  He was ‘promoted’ to management because of his amazing technical expertise as an engineer. He knew everything about the aircraft he worked on and was a point of reference for others. John had great value as a technical expert. He loved his job.

…Then he was promoted to leader… No one had taught him how to manage people. He was used to managing aircraft…a totally different skill-set! During his entire career John had been taught how to develop his technical expertise – now he had to deal with humans! He had no frame of reference and didn’t know how to do it.

Knowledge, skills, technical ability, conceptual thinking, clarity and intelligence are often seen as the key characteristics for leadership.

However, this is only half of the picture…

You may have great knowledge, skills and technical experience but this alone won’t make you a leader. You might have the best ideas in the world, but if you can’t execute your vision by guiding, inspiring, motivating, listening, influencing, and engaging others your ideas will stay just as ideas… no one will listen.

Self-awareness is often ignored in the business world. It’s not seen as important because we are often too busy doing the work and being busy to stop, recognize and understand our own emotions or the impact that they have on our actions and results. Intellect rules in the business world!

Unfortunately sometimes these actions and results have a negative effect on your relationships or job performance. You are oblivious to your own feelings and unaware of how other people might feel. Unknowingly you let anger build up until it reaches boiling point – then you lash out at someone. This is what happened to John – he was doing the best he could with the resources he had. He’d learned all about leading with the head and thought because his technical career guided him down that route alone.

If you are unaware of your own emotions you can’t manage them and this distorts how you view and respond to situations. If you lack self-awareness then you are oblivious to your own feelings or those of others around you. You are unaware of how your emotions affect your job performance.

Self-awareness has a critical role to play in leading a successful life. It influences our behaviour (what we do, what we say and how we act).

Becoming self-aware means that you are in tune with your inner signals:  you connect with yourself from the inside out.

Here’s what having self awareness means…

1. You have a deeper understanding of YOU – You can recognize your own emotions, values and motives. You know how your emotions can trigger and impact your behaviour. You know what motivates you and you move towards it at work or at home. You have a passion for your work and enjoy it.

2. You are more realistic – Perception is reality. We judge other people by their actions; we judge ourselves by our intention. People who have high levels of self-awareness are more realistic because they are honest with themselves and others. Their actions match their intentions. You know your limitations and play to your strengths.

3. You are less critical of YOU – Awareness brings honesty. People who are self-aware don’t take things personally and get defensive. They are able to laugh at themselves and be more forgiving. You embrace being imperfectly perfect! You speak openly about your emotions. You demonstrate a grace when learning about areas that you need to improve on and encourage feedback. You ask for help.

4. You have vision and focus – You can articulate your goals, values and dreams. You know where you’re headed. You know your WHY… You know what matters the most and have a clear map to build your future.

5. You are connected to your intuition –You are tuned in to what feels right and this helps you in your decision-making because you are aligned to your values. Attuning your feelings helps you find meaning and make better decisions. You make time for self-reflection and to think things over. You respond, rather than react, to your surroundings.

Having self-awareness enables you to consciously act from a place of authenticity and conviction. Understanding your emotions and having clarity of purpose help you to focus and achieve your goals.

Being Authentic, Real and True to Yourself!

By , December 1, 2011 9:43 am

“How can we be genuine when we are desperately trying to manage and control how other people perceive us?”

Brené Brown, Author

I recently coached a Jack who wanted to be like his mentor. Jack tried to be the perfect mentee. He wanted his mentor to like him.  So Jack tried to second-guess what his mentor was thinking about him. Jack started to feel nervous around his mentor because he was frightened of saying or doing the wrong thing.

It was exhausting!

Here’s what Jack learned from his experience…

You know when you’re in the presence of an authentic person. You gravitate towards them because they feel real. There’s a warmth and openness that makes an authentic person engaging.

Here’s how some of my clients describe authenticity: ‘being honest and open,’ ‘down to earth,’ ‘ego-free,’ ‘being real,’ ‘tell it like it is,’ ‘able to laugh at yourself,’ ‘natural,’ ‘genuine’ and ‘being your true self.’

We are all striving to be authentic in our lives. We want to have a sense of who we are and confident enough to share it with those we interact with.

Often we are scared to present our real selves to those around us because we’re frightened that others will perceive us as flawed, unworthy and they won’t like us. Fear and shame stops us from sharing our real selves with others.

Instead of being natural, spontaneous and genuine, we unconsciously become inauthentic: we tell others what they want to hear, we pay ‘lip-service’ to the truth, and don’t speak up when it really matters.

You let yourself down and feel dishonest for misrepresenting your own beliefs.

You feel incongruent and the conversation with the other person becomes difficult because you’re trying to second guess how they might perceive you and if that looks okay. Shame takes over: ‘What happens if they find out what you’re REALLY like?’

Here’s another way of looking at it…

Inner YOU: This is the window into the ‘real you.’ How YOU think and feel on the inside. This YOU is natural, genuine, spontaneous, humourous and open. It’s your authentic self where you are aligned, joyful and relaxed.

Perceived YOU: This is the YOU that other people perceive you to be. Usually described by other people’s feedback of you. ‘You’re lazy!’ ‘You don’t think!’ ‘You’re unorganized!’ Have you ever spoken to someone who perceives that they know more about you than YOU do?!

Role Description: In life we play many roles simultaneously. It’s easy to put on our role description hat and say what we think we should say to please the other person. Playing the political game to keep the peace. (How many times have you done this to your boss?!) We live by unconscious rules that we’ve created and these can limit our potential.

Instead of living from the inside-out and presenting our authentic self to the world around us, we sacrifice our authenticity in an effort to become how others perceive us to be, or in alignment with our role descriptions and how we think we should behave for others to like us. We live life from the outside-in.

This takes a lot of effort and energy to maintain because we’re fighting a battle with our true self!

It’s self-defeating cycle that is fed by shame and fear.

Authenticity is about being comfortable in your own skin.

Are you comfortable in YOUR own skin?

Here are a few ways to check in with yourself:

  1. 1. What are your triggers? Do you feel uncomfortable and incongruent in any relationships? Do you constantly worry about who you’re supposed to be and how you’re supposed to act? Are you unclear about who you want to be?
  2. 2. Write them down. Start to notice when this is happening and write down WHAT is happening and HOW you feel. WHY are you acting in this way with that person?

  1. 3. Share it with a coach. Reach out for someone to talk to. Being able to talk honestly about your feelings and your needs can make a BIG difference. A good coach can help you become more authentic. They will help you to shift old mindset patterns that block your success.

  1. 4. Be the person you want to be. What do you really want? You may know what you don’t want. This is a good place to begin. People love you for who you are. You don’t have to pretend to be something or somebody else. Be PURE YOU… start to explore what this means for you.

  1. 5. Let go of the role description hat. You are much more that the roles you play in your life. You don’t have to be everything to everyone else. You just have to learn how to be YOU. Allow your essential self to shine through. Being YOU is very liberating!

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