Category: Ego

How to Handle Resistance to Change

By , September 18, 2013 5:59 pm

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Handling resistance to change is a common challenge for many of us.

As a coach, resistance is something that often comes up for people.

The uncertainty of learning something new can make us feel vulnerable, because taking action tests the boundaries of our own beliefs and can push up against the beliefs of others. You’re leaving behind what you already know to make a transition in a different direction – This takes courage.

Whenever we feel threatened or judged our cells go on red alert and the body floods with adrenaline. All your senses are heightened, you feel mistrustful and on guard. You become defensive and you seek control and security.

It creates self-doubt, procrastination, fear, low self-esteem and even self-sabotage in any aspect of your life. You become defensive and self-protective – seeing the problem as ‘out there’ (external).

Your Lizard brain kicks in for self-preservation. You shrink into fear-mode. Your negative emotion warns you that you are self-sabotaging your goals and desires. You might become the victim and replay stories from the past to reinforce just how much of a loser you really are. You’re like a deer in headlights. You may withdraw or exclude yourself from anything that feels dangerous or bad.

I imagine resistance as a creature like Gollum in Lord of the Rings! He has long gnarled fingers and lurks around in the corners of your mind feeding off your Lizard brain – that niggling voice in the back of your head making you feel dysfunctional, insecure, vulnerable, disempowered, or unloved: “Who do you think you are?!”

When you are locked in resistance there is no room for growth because your consciousness is constricted. Being afraid of uncertainty and change makes you repeat the same old patterns of behaviour:

  • FLIGHT – Stay external and become a people pleaser trying hard to help everyone else, accommodating others and keeping busy. Coaches are very good at coaching others instead of looking for someone to coach them through their own resistance.
  • FIGHT – Blame, criticize, attack, control or manipulate others seeing them as wrong.
  • FREEZE – Spin your wheels, withdraw, don’t let anyone in or close down so that you can feel safe. Collapse into a coach so they can ‘fix’ you.

All three options keep the problem at arms length: external.

There’s no room here for creativity. Suddenly failure becomes an option and you’re really scared.

Resistance can kill your goals and dreams and destroy your confidence all at the same time.

The truth is that EVERYONE has THAT voice (Gollum) in his or her head in the same way that everyone breathes. Resistance is natural and part of your human defenses.

If you’ve grown up with this then, according to Stephanie Mills (author), the more protection becomes an habitual way of being: you look out for threats, then attack, defend or close down. It feels like family!

Resistance is just testing your resolve. It’s part of the process. Here’s how to handle resistance to change:

1. Awareness – That you actually created your own resistance. You are getting in your own way. Eckhart Tolle says that: “awareness and ego cannot co-exist.” Self-awareness encourages your authentic self to be at the centre of your experience. Recognising that you are in resistance can help you to release it. You can override it at any time by taking conscious action. You get to choose whether you stay stuck or not.

2. Are you operating from fear or love? We all have the capability to act from either of these two states of awareness. Both are built into what I call your ‘Fizz’ (physiology) and psychology. Where are your thoughts operating from:

  • Protection or growth?
  • Closing down or opening up?
  • Judgment or acceptance?
  • Control or trust?
  • Old habits or new ideas?
  • Criticism or appreciation?

You get to choose!

3. What’s your WHY? – Getting clear on your intention or goal can dissolve any fear associated with your resistance. Reconnect to your passion and draw energy from it by answering the following two questions and use these as your touchstones as you’re working through:

  • WHY do I want to do this?
  • How badly do I want to succeed?

4. Fight resistance with assistance! Get some support from like-minded people. A coach can help you to recognize your resistance and help you to challenge and overcome it. Being in the presence of encouragers is so important when you’re trying to create new mindsets and results.

5. Accept that things go wrong – You can’t always prepare for and sometimes things don’t work. There’s a difference between quitting and feeling like quitting. Failure means that we are growing – it’s all about learning. You get to figure it out. Work the problem to create your solution.

The more important your call to action, the greater the sense of resistance you’ll feel. It’s a natural part of life.

When you run from uncertainty, you’re actually running away from your life. If you want to create anything be it a business, a career, making a difference with your clients resistance is part of the journey… Consider it as growing pains!

 

Do I Fit In or Do I Stand Out?

By , March 6, 2013 8:00 am

Stand Out “I’m stuck… I do a great job but I’m invisible to others. I’ve been told to ‘get out there more’ and promote myself – become more visible. I’m frightened of what others might think if I start talking about how good I am. Being visible feels false and fills me with fear!”

Extract from an email – Jenny, A frightened coaching client

There’s no shortage of people waiting to tell you how to fit in. They are happy to explain: ‘how we do things ’round here,’ show you what you’re doing wrong, criticize you, correct you, and offer advice.

Fitting in is the social norm. Keeping your head down and not rocking the boat creates an easier life.

This advice can be overwhelming. We are really good at creating and maintaining the status quo (especially in the UK!).

Over time, fitting in becomes the norm and standing out is perceived as arrogant, egotistical, fool hardy or career limiting. Especially in this current climate! (Yes! This excuse fits perfectly.)

So standing out is certainly a much riskier strategy… isn’t it?

Have you noticed… there’s no one pushing you to stand out? Where are these people? Often you are on your own (especially in corporate!)…

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I see fitting in and standing out like two people sat on a see saw. Our minds often struggle up and down with this:

  • Fit in too much and you’ll blend into the background. Nothing much happens. You become invisible and limit success by hiding in the shadows. Occasionally someone may get a glimpse of your true value.
  • Standing out requires you to step into the spotlight, sharing your ideas and making an emotional connection with others. As you receive exposure and attention your Lizard Brain equates this to danger (our ancestors didn’t want attention – this could mean death…). No wonder you feel resistance – all the alarm bells are going off in your amygdala!

This is what had happened to Jenny. She’s an expert in her field and does a great job (often taken for granted). She was hiding her value and only those close to her knew about it. This limited her potential and her career stagnated.

Most of us don’t have anyone to push us forward. Many of us are happy just to fit in for an easier life.

Jenny was frustrated and unhappy. She was working hard and not being recognized and the same time she was scared of being in the spotlight. Her seesaw was working overtime!

Being successful means that you sometimes have to stand out from the shadows and allow your light to shine. In Jenny’s case, she was tired of not getting the recognition she deserved. By increasing her visibility she was able to build her marketability and leverage in the business and share her value with more people.

Here’s how to stand out:

1.    Know your Biology. Understanding how your Lizard Brain tries to protect you from threat enables you to deal with any resistance. You are able to change how you think and move beyond it (I regularly coach clients through this).

2.    Create your own map. Stop being an order taker waiting for instructions from the Status Quo Committee. Create your own status quo! If you take orders you can’t create your own value and share it with others. Do it your way… chart your own path and create your own value. Be YOU.

3.    Know where you’re going. Have clarity about what you want to achieve and WHY it’s important to you.

  • What does it look like, sound like or feel like?
  • Create your own direction and plan your first step. Planning may take time but it’s time well spent.

4.    Make a deliberate choice. Your value is created by what you choose to do. Most of us know what we should do but we don’t do it. Thinking is not voluntary! Choice is about thinking and feeling, not just as a reaction in the moment when you are a victim of your thoughts. Generate possibilities and choose intentionally. Decide to overcome any anxiety or fear associated with your decision to stand out.

5.    Put the work in. Be prepared to put in whatever is necessary to get from where you are now to where you want to be. Others may criticize you – know that this is a natural part of the process. Practice, practice, practice – be imperfectly perfect you’ll make a few mistakes along the way.

6.    It’s ALL about connection. Learn how to authentically talk about what you do and the value it gives. It’s a gift to be able to serve others and help them to achieve their goals. You don’t work in a vacuum – you are doing a dis-service if you don’t share what you do with those who might need your help.

7.    Learn how to be happy. Does your work match your passion for it? Or does your passion match your work? You can’t just BE happy, but you can learn to do things in a happy way. Pay ATTENTION to enjoying the process of what you are doing. Make things enjoyable even when talking to others about what you do and how it might help them.

We’re waiting for you to walk into your spotlight and Stand out!

 

How to be YOURSELF – Even when talking to important people!

By , February 27, 2013 2:34 am

Be Yourself“Leadership is not about holding on to territory, it’s about letting go of ego, bringing your spirit to work, being your best and most authentic self.”

~ James A Autry, The Servant Leader

Why are people sometimes so afraid to be themselves?

One of the key principles of self-leadership is the importance of being you.

However, some of us hide who we really are and instead present an image of how we think the other person wants us to behave in the hope that we will be accepted or liked.

I see this happen a lot in business, especially when leaders are stepping out of their comfort zones to play a bigger game. In corporate you might be attending a meeting with senior managers. As a business owner, you might be meeting an influential client or someone who is a role model and you feel star-struck to work with them.

Whoever the person, it’s easy for us to feel small, unworthy, inferior, or of lesser value. We perceive them as being so much more important and fall to pieces in these situations instead of being our normal, confident and articulate self…

Our internal thinking has a huge impact on our confidence and self worth. Our social and parental conditioning is against us being authentic and over time we have created rules, such as:

  • It is disrespectful to disagree with our elders, seniors or those more important than us.
  • Only speak when you are spoken to: We are taught what to say, when to say it.
  • Who you are is shaped by those who have influence over you. (You hand over your power to them.)
  • Don’t brag about what you’re good at as it might make other people feel uncomfortable. Push it down… (This is why most of us struggle to talk about our own successes.)
  • You have to be submissive with people more important that you.

Society creates ‘norms’ and we measure ourselves to them. We are under pressure to fit in. So here’s how we respond:

  • You want to keep the peace and hope they like you. So you say what you think they want to hear in order to become a people-pleaser.
  • You believe that your opinion is of lesser value and doesn’t count or it doesn’t matter. You perceive the other person’s opinion is of far greater value.
  • If you challenge or disagree with something, then you’ll be shot down or seen as difficult or negative.
  • You should keep your head below the parapet and blend in.

We live up in our heads most of the time, believing our thoughts to be the truth (you literally are what you think!).

Most of us go through life not knowing who we are or what we want. We settle, survive and keep our heads down. This is easier than trying to be yourself. Being real exposes you to vulnerability and judgment – this is scary.

The perception that someone is more important than you is often based on old concepts of power, especially in business. We try to work out where we fit in in the hierarchy.

True power comes from your personal power as a human being. By building trust and support you naturally attract other people.

Here are some tips on how to be you:

1. STOP WORRYING about what other people are thinking about you. You have no idea what they are thinking. These assumptions aren’t real. They are probably not thinking about you at all! This distraction only makes you get your own way of success. Instead of worrying about what to say, or how you look, focus on your intention for the meeting. Be 100% present for the person who is talking.

2. KNOW YOUR VALUE – Be useful as a leader to those you serve. Know WHY you’re attending the meeting.  Understand the value that you bring. You are there to provide information or  expertise so that others can make an informed decision. You are helping them to understand and make sense of things and prevent them making mistakes: Here’s how I can help you…

3. BE AN EQUAL –As human beings we all have the same worth and dignity. We are all equals no matter what role we play. See yourself as a consultant, not as a sub-ordinate. Let go of ego (theirs and yours) – it’s a distraction. Understand that some personality styles are different to yours. They package their language in a different way. It’s normal, not personal.

4. ALWAYS BE YOUR REAL SELF – Be the same person at home as you are at work… because you are! Be your authentic self – It’s who you really are. You have the same values whatever role you are playing. You already know how to interact with people at other levels – This is no different – Just be YOU. Find the language to help you say what you want to say.

5. FIND THE COURAGE to be you. Learn to listen to your heart as well as your head. People want an honest opinion, not ‘lip service.’ Be authentic and respond assertively, even if it is a difficult message. Remember, you are just talking to another person – we are all the same.

Be the person YOU want to be… from today!

It’s really okay to be YOU – Take yourself to work!

 

Networking Nausea – 5 common Networking Mistakes…

By , November 28, 2012 6:29 pm

“The richest people in the world look for and build networks, everyone else looks for work.”

~ Robert Kiyosaki

I’ve attended a few networking events recently and had the opportunity to observe how business people share information about themselves with each other.

Learning how to speak about what you do with clarity and confidence is an important skill for any leader.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying: “You only get one chance to make a first impression!”

You can infect or affect your audience with your energy and enthusiasm. The challenge is not to over-play your strengths.

Learning to network can feel uncomfortable to begin with. You feel like you’re in the spotlight as you’re trying to make a good impression, increase your visibility, build connections or introduce yourself to potential new clients.

Anxiety and discomfort creates nervous energy. If you allow this take over you push people away rather than engage them in a conversation.

Here are some of the common mistakes that new networkers make:

1. Over-Playing Your Strengths – Sometimes we are so passionate about our subject that we ‘overplay’ this strength. Especially if the other person seems slightly interested. Your enthusiasm becomes a turn off for the other person. Your passion is strength, but if it’s over-played you may come over as arrogant, evangelical or pushy and our Ego can take over to run the show

2. Fire Hosing the Other Person This is where you fire hose them with too much information about what you do or why you are good. You try and explain EVERYTHING about yourself (Usually at 900 mph!). The conversation becomes very one-sided because it’s ALL about YOU… Remember that a CONVERSATION involves TWO or more people! So be curious, give the other person some airtime. Be genuinely interested and bring them into the conversation

3. Giving Out Rather than Getting Through – You might have a great elevator pitch that you can reel off with precision.  Unfortunately everyone can feel the relief when you get to the end of the paragraph and you’ve remembered all your key words! You deliver this message in a way that just gives out information, rather than using the power of your voice to make it interesting and engaging. Slow down, use intention and energy in your voice rather than just reeling off the rehearsed paragraph – This makes the other person curious about what you do.

4. Looking for the Next Person to Talk To – Instead of being fully present for the person you are talking to, you’re looking over their shoulder to see whom you could talk to next.  One of the greatest gifts you can give someone is to listen to him or her fully. Make that person feel like they are the most important person in the room. Give them eye contact and your full attention. People feed off each other’s energy: If you feed me indifference, then I will mirror this back to you.

5. “I’ve Written a Book, Do You Want to Buy It?” This was an opening statement by a woman who I’d never met before. I had no idea what her book was about. We sometimes feel compelled that we have to ‘sell’ something to be successful in a networking conversation. This person feels pushy or grabby! Networking is about CONNECTING that’s all. It’s the art of conversation. You get a feel for each other, a bit like being on a first date. (You wouldn’t plan your wedding or how many kids you’re going to have on a first date right?!).

We judge other people by their actions, we judge ourselves by our intentions. Make sure you actions match your intentions and bring the other person into the conversation.

Here are a few tips:

Slow down, breathe and watch your brevity. Have an engaging conversation. How can you best serve the other person?

Control the conversation and involve the other person as an equal partner in the discussion. You both have equal value and gifts to share. It’s a combination of listening, giving and asking for information.

Empathy is so important if you want to connect and influence other people. If I perceive that you are interested and understand me, I’m more likely to relax, open up and share my thoughts with you. I might even ask you for your contact details so we can stay in touch.

Being aware of these mistakes can help you to avoid them in the future!

Happy networking!

 

 

Stop Judging Other People!

By , July 24, 2012 9:58 pm

“Our criticisms always reflect how we feel about ourselves; they mask our fear that we don’t measure up.”

~ Karen Casey, Author

We’ve all criticized someone else and while it feels like we are getting some relief and making us feel better, this is not usually the case!

So why do we do it?

I believe that we criticize others to mask our own insecurities and fear that perhaps we’re not good enough. Criticism is like your reflection in water, it reflects back an image of how you feel about yourself.

Instead of owning these feelings you twist and contort yourself and try to avoid it by projecting your judgment onto someone else.

Deep down inside when you are criticizing someone else you are strengthening your own insecurity and inferiority. You are actually making yourself smaller. It becomes a vicious circle of denial and projection.

Being locked into these prejudicial thoughts impacts and influences everyone and everything around you.

Here’s what I know about judging other people:

  1. It never really makes you feel better – you often feel worse afterwards.
  2. It doesn’t make you more peaceful when you mind is full of judgments and criticism.
  3. It doesn’t make your fear go away – it reinforces it at a deeper level.
  4. Judgments can damage relationships.
  5. It’s your ego talking and trying to protect you by setting you apart from others as better, bigger, more powerful.

Next time you feel tempted to judge someone else – catch yourself before you say anything and check in on your own feelings. Firstly, notice how uncomfortable you feel. What’s coming up for you? Envy? Shame? Guilt? Anger? These are all great and powerful teachers – listen and learn from them.

Making a conscious choice NOT to judge others will improve your  self-awareness, self-worth and self-respect.

This is also very peaceful.

Are you the real deal or just a cheap imitation? Are you modelling or stealing your way to success?

By , June 13, 2012 8:05 pm

I had an interesting discussion with a client this week about the difference between these two concepts. My client is an entrepreneur who has recently been the victim of Shiny Bright Object marketing in the UK. She realized afterwards that she’d been seduced by a workshop that was a cheap imitation of someone else’s expertise.  She felt disappointed by the basic level of knowledge given by the coach, who professed to being an ‘expert’.

Unfortunately, this stuff happens too often!

It reminded me about the explosion of what some people are calling ‘cookie cutter’ coaches that are coming off the production line, offering revolutionary ways to build your six-figure business in twelve months!

Sign up TODAY!!

This claim is a Bright Shiny Object for many entrepreneurs who are struggling to find clients. They line up to hand over cash to get their hands on that secret formula for success! Only to find that it is re-purposed or poor quality material.

If you dig behind the ‘sales page’ and slick marketing techniques of some of these coaches and their claims, you’ll realize that they are NOT the real deal. They are just a pale imitation of someone else’s original cool idea and expertise.

They too have probably attended a workshop or course and are copying the tools of their coaches in hope that can build their six figure businesses in the next twelve months! These people haven’t made six figures yet either! They’re just waiting for folks like you to sign up so that they can!

It feels very false and sticky… when someone is claiming success rates that aren’t true!

There’s a lot of ‘copying and pasting’ going on in the business world!

Okay…

As a leader of learning, I advocate copying as part of the learning process. We’ve all done it!

As an apprentice (or newbie), copying is a helpful tool that provides a framework for you to build your confidence and help you to find your own voice. I remember doing this in art class at school, following the techniques of a famous painter and then applying my own interpretation of their style to my empty canvas. This is an important part of the learning process.

There is a difference between:

Copying (cutting and pasting!)

and

Modelling (taking the concept, creating your own adaptation and adding your own voice.)

Finding YOUR OWN VOICE is an ESSENTIAL element of business success.

Stealing words, models and concepts to build a business does not create a recipe for business success.

Here’s why:

1. You remain passive and stuck in yesterday’s trends, because you’re waiting for others to create the ‘next best thing’ so you can copy it. I’ve heard people use the term ‘cutting edge’ in their marketing, when really they were cutting and pasting other people’s ideas and models, but claiming them as their own.

2. You’re searching for the ‘next best thing’ instead of creating it first for your clients. You might be searching the Internet daily for new things to copy. Looking for that ‘next best thing.’ Find your own voice – create your content from within and be uniquely YOU.

3. Your understanding remains at a surface level – There’s no deeper understanding to your offering because you’re just re-purposing things that other people have developed. Your understanding is only skin-deep. The original deeper understanding is diluted, as you create a copy of it. The real understanding stays with the person who created it.

 4. It’s not authentic and other people will see through you when they start to dig deeper. You have not experienced what your clients are hoping to learn from you. You have the theory but not the practice and you become an inferior version of someone else. You’re stuck in the thick of thin things!

5. You’re incongruent with the real you. You’re trying to be someone else. You are just imitating the person you are copying rather than stepping into your own power and being YOU and doing it YOUR way. You may struggle to talk about your work passionately because you’re not really clear on your own WHY (and it’s not really your work!)

Here’s how to know if you are stealing or modeling…

Ask yourself the following question:

Who’s done most of the work here?

If it’s someone else, then you know you’re stealing and copying!

Finding your OWN VOICE isn’t easy. It takes time, experimentation and persistence. It can be scary because your head is filled with doubt and uncertainty. But it’s worth the journey because YOU become AUTHENTIC and REAL.

Here are a few tips to help you become authentic and real:

1. Make YOU part of your service. Other people might steal your ideas and concepts but know that they can’t steal your ENERGY or your UNIQUE approach to what you do. Adding YOU is the vital ingredient!

2. YOU become part of your own brand. Inject YOU into everything that you do to create marketability and leverage through the power of you.

3. Know your Unique Selling Proposition (USP). What do YOU bring to the party that is different? How is it different? Offer something that no one else offers. Approach it in a different way.

4. Be authentic. Being YOU and doing what you do IS ENOUGH. Stop playing dress up and pretending to be somebody else. Be a bigger, brighter and unique version of yourself.

5. Be a risk taker. Reach through your fear and doubt to find the courage to try out your ideas and new ways of doing things. Stop waiting for someone else to go there first.

YOU are unique… Let it shine through and model the way!

5 Reasons Why Your Team Hates You…

By , May 30, 2012 4:04 pm

 “What’s wrong with my team?? They don’t seem to care about the work they’re doing and things are getting worse. They are not supporting me. I feel like I’m doing everything on my own. What’s wrong with THEM?!”

~ John, a Corporate Leader…

Having people work for you can be challenging whatever business you are in.

Sometimes it feels like herding cats!

Some days you feel it’s easier to do it all yourself because other people don’t do things as well as you do! Why don’t THEY get it?!

Hmm… I wonder why?

This was a real quote from a coaching client, who gave me permission to share it because it was so profound for him. I’ve had similar comments from entrepreneurs who have small teams working for them…

I work with managers who sometimes are unaware of how their own behaviour is impacting their team. They are doing the best they can but wonder why everything is beginning to fall apart. The team is disjointed, lethargic and compliant. They’re just doing enough to get the job done. They have no VA-VA-Vroom!

The truth is that behavior breed’s behaviour. Often a team will mirror the behavior of their leader. You have a powerful impact on the success of your team. You role model the behaviour for others, consciously or unconsciously!

So what’s it like being on the receiving end of you?

Your team doesn’t like you very much. And it’s hard reality for any manager to admit this…

Here are 5 reasons why your team doesn’t like you…

1. You’re not present – You’re never there! You’re always too busy running around doing manager things and you’re never available. If you are with your team you’re not present… In other words you are with them in body but your mind is often elsewhere. You’re not a good listener. Trust me… they know you’re not really listening! You say you’re open to their ideas… but you’re not really…they can see through this!

2. Things are not defined – It’s easy to make assumptions because you know what you want most of the time. Your team is confused because things are not defined for them. Honestly…they don’t know what you want. You want one thing and then change your mind the next day! You’re communication sucks! You might build the plane as you fly it… and this works well for you, but you forget to include your team in the process. You create a team of un-empowered order-takers because no one knows what the hell is going on. You say jump…and they jump. This is NO FUN being on the receiving end of. Get out of your own head and start involving them in the definition.

3. You’re too busy for your team – When you are busy you start to ignore your team as your work takes priority. You feel overwhelmed and get locked into doing rather than leading. Sometimes you feel more comfortable doing the work rather than being strategic (It’s a comfort zone thing). Your team believes that you don’t care about them and they feel that their work is low value. Your lack of leadership affects their motivation and performance.

4. You’re too busy to see what’s happening –Getting locked into busy-ness numbs your focus. You react to symptoms rather than the cause of the issue. Or, you ignore the issue completely in the hope that it will go away. The more you ignore it…the bigger it gets AND the more frustrated your team becomes because they see the problems and try to let you know, but you ignore them or brush their ideas aside. You’re reacting out of fear. They think you’re insane not to listen to them. After all they are closer to the problem. They can help if you’d only let them in.

5. You think YOUR work is more important – Your ego likes to remind you that after all, YOUR work is far more important than your team’s. You’re superior – You’re the boss! You minimize time with team members because you have other MORE important things to do (This is BS by the way!). You’re team think that you don’t really care about them – You’re only interested in results. They may see you as cold, distant, arrogant and uninterested. So they react to this behaviour!

This is not your intention but in life you are judged by your actions: what you say or how you act.

Your behaviour is key…

Leadership is NOT about being nice but it is about being fully present and serving your people to help them be the best they possibly can be, because this reflects on you, your business and your results.

You can’t do everything. If you want to create an effective successful team then you need to involve and empower your team in the decision-making. Be there for them (and they will in turn, be there for you). Work in partnership to get the job done. Your business needs less order-takers and more empowered leaders. Command and control techniques don’t work anymore…give your ego a back seat!

Honestly… You are not superior to anyone else. EVERYONE has equal value, worth and dignity as a human being. Get over your ego – stop managing and start leading – That’s when you’ll truly make things happen.

What’s it REALLY like being on the receiving end of YOU?

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