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By elaine, February 13, 2013 11:46 pm

“The best thing about the past is that it’s over. When people don’t deal with the past as if it’s over, then they’re not free to go into the future.”

~ Richard Bandler – Make Your Life Great

Throughout our day we are constantly talking to ourselves – Yes, THAT voice in our head, the one who seems to be sat pulling all the levers in the control tower of you!

I’m constantly reminded about the awesome power of language and how it influences who we are, what we believe and how we show up in our lives.

One of the great masters, who I once had the honour of learning from, is Richard Bandler. I was reminded of his work this week as I was coaching a client who was struggling in her mind to move away from the past and towards a new future that she was defining for herself.

She’d decided on a direction of where she wanted to go, but the voice in her head kept subconsciously sabotaging her thinking and taking her on a road trip back to her past, rather than to the future where she wanted things to go. Also, the close family around her was saying: “You’ll never change, you’re set in your ways!”

When we set a goal and decide to make a change in our lives our conditioning and internal language is still set on the old default pattern that got us stuck in the first place. As our unconscious thoughts travel down the neural highway, we find ourselves suddenly back in that old place where we used to be and we’re stuck once again in the past:

“History is repeating itself…”

“Here we go again…”

“It must just be the way I am, I’ll never change…”

I love using the metaphor of our neural highway being like a busy motorway or freeway. You can almost see the blur of taillights flowing past you at great speed. It feels overwhelming and fast… Before you know it, you’re in the wrong lane and you’re turning down that old piece of road again:  All routes lead back to the past – your old behaviour and patterns of language and beliefs.

We get caught up in old thoughts and loops that no longer serve us.

As my client spoke, her words made me realize that she was going into a behavioural loop; she was becoming anxious and started to become self-deprecating. She became once again, the person in her past rather than the person she now wanted to be.

I asked her to STOP and BACK UP…

This broke the chain… These words opened her to a deeper level of thinking.

We explored her thinking and how it was making her feel. She was frustrated that she was still going down the old road and not catching herself in time. She then described where she wanted to be with passion and enthusiasm.

Then she got clear – She knew exactly what to do…

She decided that this was the last time she was going to take this route. So she mentally installed a ‘Wrong Way – Go Back’ sign on her neural highway slip road (on-ramp) before the entrance of the old highway she was unconsciously turning onto.

She is now watching her language and paying attention so when that old thinking comes along, she has a conscious system to STOP and BACK UP so she doesn’t go the wrong way. She’s now able to follow the new signage of where she wants to go:  Happiness ahead. Better relationships – next exit, new career coming – 800 yards!

I helped her create some strategies to back up and reframe the situation, and replace her negative language with positive using the power of her intention.

My client reconfigured her brain with some new language patterns that serve her future and not her past. This shifted her state of mind and made things different so she can keep an eye on where she wants to be. She’s moving forward once again.

The past is what we know and we use it as a compass point, a frame of reference for comparison, whereas the future is unknown. It’s uncertain and we’ve no tangible evidence to support that anything could actually be different or better out there. It’s risky and uncomfortable. But you have two great advocates:  faith and courage, if you choose to take them along on the journey with you.

Creating and following a new route takes time and sometimes a little extra support and direction. It’s hard to do it all on your own. The last thing you need is someone with a clipboard standing over you telling you “you’ll never change or it won’t last long – look what happened last time!”

Dwelling on the past keeps you stuck – You’re going the wrong way!

Some people spend years and loads of money in therapy trying to understand WHY the past happened. My philosophy is that learning and growing (and healing) is all about letting go and taking forward motion. Life is fluid and too short to keep using the past as your navigation tool for the future. Create something new; you’ll be surprised how refreshing and exciting the new feelings are that come your way. It sets you free to go into your future!

Sometimes you need a little coaching support to get you started and change the language in your head. This opens you up to a world of infinite possibility.

What do you want behind you and want do you want in front of you?

Watch your language! How is it serving you right now?

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By elaine, January 16, 2013 10:42 pm

 “Effective coaching is about challenging assumptions, examining habits, overcoming barriers, and embedding change.”

~ John Blakey & Ian Day – Authors - Challenging Coaching - http://challengingcoaching.co.uk/

A few of my professional coaching friends and I were talking recently about a common coaching challenge:

Why do some coaches shy away from holding up the mirror to show a coachee something that they might not want to see and may be avoiding about themselves?

Have you ever finished coaching someone and then wished that you’d been more direct during the session because you recognised the core issue was but too scared to give feedback or challenge them? So the issue takes up space and is not dealt with directly.

One of the common disappointments about coaching is that the coachee isn’t challenged enough by their coach (according to my Masters Research).

Sometimes coaches need to move beyond supporting to give feedback and challenge their coachee to move to a deeper level of self-awareness, helping them to be more accountable. This is hugely important if the coachee wants to break through blockages to achieve their goals.

The coachee may be following a textbook of what they need to do in terms of a step strategy for their business or how to lead a team, but they are still not getting the results. Things aren’t working.

Getting great results is not just about the knowing WHAT needs to be done… it’s also about HOW you do things.

Your coachee might be following the process and doing everything right, however, it is their personality or behavioral traits that are actually holding them back. For example, they might be overplaying a strength and getting in their own way of success.

I call this the Human Factor – how you show up and interact with others is so important. Yet this can be the one thing that stops you getting clients or commitment from your team. It’s also a difficult and sensitive area to coach.

Of course, no one wants to hear that their own behavior is pushing clients away or upsetting their team. Especially when they are trying so hard to make things work…

But who’s going to want to tell you that your behavior is stopping you from getting clients or from effectively influencing your team??  Some coaches are too frightened of upsetting you. After all coaches are meant to be supportive right?? And giving this kind of feedback doesn’t feel supportive.

Here’s the thing…

Whether you coach people for performance as a leader in an organization or you run your own coaching business, you’ve probably learned to coach from a traditional supportive stance. Most coaching books heavily focus on this approach for success.

I agree that being supportive is important for building trust, respect, developing rapport and for creating a safe environment to grow. This environment enables individuals disclose their private thoughts and feelings and develop their self-awareness.

Sometimes being supportive isn’t enough and you need to help your clients reach a deeper level of thinking that takes them out of their comfort zone, holds them accountable, makes them face those issues and roadblocks and take risks to courageously achieve their goals.

Great coaches intuitively know how to challenge and hold the tension until the pressure point is opened up and resolved. It’s like when having a back massage, you feel the tension of the masseur applying some pressure to a specific point, then they hold exactly the right amount of tension waiting for those knotty bits to move (I’m sure there’s a technical term for this!). It almost feels painful, but the relief releasing those knots is worth all the discomfort!

It’s the same with deep coaching…

As a coach, you have to be okay with challenging and pushing self-awareness to a deeper level for your coachee. You hold up the mirror and apply tension through feedback, challenging them to be accountable and take them out of their comfort zone into what Cranfield Business School calls the ZOUD (Zone Of Uncomfortable Debate) so you can get to the core of the issue and resolve it.

Applying and holding tension isn’t always pretty because you are creating discomfort. It might initially create a reaction of tears, anger, anxiety, worry or the coachee may feel tense and stressed.

Intuitively you need to recognize this and apply your supportive coaching skills to re-create a balance, by tapping into their feelings, taking a breath and re-grouping before stepping back into the ZOUD and working through it together. You have to believe that this will lead to a breakthrough for your coachee and provide positive supporting skills to face rather than avoid the issue. This can be a challenge for you as the coach to stay in your power and push further than before.

Working through the knotty-bits can take time, but the release of pressure and clearing the block can create transformational shifts for your coachee.

Staying stuck in a solely supportive style doesn’t deliver the full potential of coaching for your coachee. Going deeper has a much greater impact -increasing self-awareness and creating upleveled performance and results.

I ALWAYS want my coach to challenge me so I can live outside of my comfort zone.

If you coach people – Are YOU challenging them enough?

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By elaine, September 12, 2012 4:36 pm

“Think about someone you know who is steeped in the fixed mindset. Think about how they’re always trying to prove themselves and how they’re supersensitive about being wrong or making mistakes. Did you ever wonder why they were this way? (Are you this way?) Now you can begin to understand why.”

~ Carol Dweck, Author – Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.

The truth is that not everyone is coachable.

Coaching can ONLY work if the partnership is a good match and both parties show up and take full responsibility for their role.

You can’t force someone to be coached (though I’ve witnessed many attempts at this in corporate when managers have tried to fix their people by trying to ‘coach’ them!).

The coachee (the person being coached) has to develop a coaching mindset to be open and tuned into learning. This involves some vulnerability.

Any coach will struggle to coach someone who doesn’t have the right mindset. The relationship feels uncomfortable for both parties. There is no connection or congruence and it’s hard work.

Here’s how to tell if you’re in the wrong mindset for being coached:

1. You don’t want to take any responsibility for the coaching relationship.
2. You believe that the coaching is being ‘done to you.’ It’s imposed rather than a relationship that you’ve freely entered into.
3. You don’t allow yourself time to reflect on your own behavior or outcomes. You just turn up and hope for the best.
4. You have no desire to change.
5. You have no intention of doing the work and use being ‘too busy’ as an excuse.
6. You don’t own your part of the coaching process.
7. You expect the answers from your coach, but you don’t want to go there too deeply yourself.
8. You’re secretly worried that your coach will judge you and compare you to other clients.
9. You are in awe of your coach and just want to please him/her. This contorts and twists you away from what you really need to learn.

From my experience, I believe that your own view of yourself has a profound effect on the way you lead your life. It influences whether you become the person that you want to be and affects your outcomes of what you are able to accomplish.

It’s all in your mind!

You can change your mind…because mindsets are just beliefs

It’s your choice!

Here’s how to develop a coaching mindset:

1.     I have a desire to learn – Scientists have proved that human beings have more capacity for life long learning than ever thought. You stop learning, you stop growing and you stop living. YOU are your greatest experiment! Be a lifelong student of YOU. Learning keeps you fully alive…You are a work in progress. Keep growing to keep going!

2.     I’m prepared to look in the mirror – You’re naturally curious and actively seek opportunity to ask: “What is it like being on the receiving end of me?” You believe that you can develop and grow. You’re open to accurate information through feedback and conversations about your current ability and behavior even if it’s unflattering or uncomfortable. You positively see this as your raw materials for growth.

3.     My potential is unlimited – You understand that your ability is not fixed and it can be developed through learning. You are prepared to invest in your own growth. You are always looking for opportunities to stretch your knowledge and experience. You thrive when you are stretching outside of your comfort zone and developing new skills. You know this may take time – it’s all about making progress.

4.     I’m open to change – You see yourself as imperfectly perfect and accept this openly. You know that change isn’t always easy. It takes determination and persistence. Achieving your goal can involve some hard work. You have to show up when you don’t feel like it. Your effort ignites your growth and increases your ability. You embrace change.

5.     I take responsibility – You are prepared to dive in with passion even if you don’t feel confident. You take responsibility for setting your mind for success. Achievement comes from your continued commitment and self-motivation. You are aware that you’re responsible for your thoughts and reframe negative thoughts knowing that they are not the truth. You take responsibility for setbacks and see them as portals for growth.

Change can be tough but from my experience it’s always worth it – It’s life enhancing.

I have a richer and more authentic life because I continue to develop a coaching mindset. I’m not as critical of myself and I’m more alive, open and courageous because of it.

Do you have the right mindset to be coached?

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By elaine, August 14, 2012 6:38 pm

Have you noticed? EVERYONE seems to be a coach these days?!

The Internet is packed with information to help people become coaches. Anyone can pitch up and start calling him or herself a coach.

There are loads of people offering coaching services, but it’s all very one-sided: It’s all about the coach and not about the coachee.

There is little information out there about HOW TO BE COACHED effectively or how to get the most from your coaching relationship.

There are all kinds of coaches available…Offering programs and packages that will change your life, business or improve your relationships: Life coach, business coach, career coach, mindfulness coach… to name just a few!

……………Coach (Fill in the blank!)

Think of a word, insert it and I’m sure they’ll be someone out there coaching it!

How do you navigate through this minefield to find and work with the best person for you?

Here are some basic tips on how to make an informed choice…

There are many reasons why people decide to work with a coach. You can’t do it all alone and sometimes we ALL need a little help and support.

The important thing is that YOU know WHY you want to work with one.

Sit down and take a little time to write your answers to the following questions. This will help you to get clear about WHY you want to work with a coach:

1. Why do I need a coach? Write down what you are wanting from a coaching relationship. If you’re clear, then you can both understand your needs and if you’re a good match.

2. What is my intention for working with one? You may have different coaches for different goals. One might be helping you with weight loss, the other with your business goals. Set a clear intention. What do you want to Be, Do or Have as a result of working together?

3. How would having a coach help me? How can they help you to succeed? What are you looking for from them?

4. What type of coach am I looking for? Does your prospective coach specialise in the area you’re looking to get coached in? How do they show their expertise? Do they demonstrate their value or are they just interested ‘selling’ themselves?

Once you’ve answered these four questions then  here are some further tips…

Look for at least three potential coaches – who specialise in the type of coaching you’re looking for:

• Talk to them.
• Check out their websites.
• Read what they have written – Check out the quality of their valuable free content. Do you connect with what they are saying?
• Ask for a free consultation (Some offer a Getting Acquainted call).

Check in with your intuition – Does your gut get excited and perhaps a little scared at the prospect of working with them? I go with my intuition as this let’s me know if I feel that they will challenge me into real transformation.

Where to look for a coach – I’d always start by checking out any coaches you know already. Even if they are not the right match they’re often good at recommending other coaches who might be better suited to your needs.

a. Personal recommendation – Always a great place to begin. A referral gives you someone’s personal experience. Great coaches get referrals – If you have a good experience you’re going to share it. Ask around for personal recommendations. You can then check the person out for yourself.

b. Websites – Checkout the websites of coaches who best match what you are looking for. Here are some things to consider:

1. Read their ‘About Page’ or bio. Do they feel congruent with what you’re looking for?
2. Testimonials – Ask for and read testimonials. Do they feel genuine? Most testimonials have a name, photo and sometimes a website address.
3. Does the website look professional? Does look hand made? Does the coach provide extra value and free content there for you?
4. Newsletters, eZines and blogs – Signing up to one of these helps you build a picture of the person and their philosophies. You get to know the person through their writing. You feel like you know them already

c. Workshops, speeches and events – Online or ‘live’ here’s a great opportunity to get a feel for your potential coach. You get to build a relationship with them while they are training or talking to you directly. You can get to see them in action!

A coach can provide that beacon of light in the darkness, is a lighthouse in the storm, so that you can safely navigate your way through any transition, roadblock or challenge. He or she can help you to become a BIGGER and more successful version of you.

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By elaine, April 25, 2012 5:49 pm

“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”

 ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

When I decided to start my own business I was fired up and ready to go! I bought all the books my mentor (and other people) recommended and signed up for numerous online programs and packages.

Then I drowned in an ocean of self-help modules and leadership resources! I felt overwhelmed and scared because I  had so much stuff to learn. I had no plan so the  learning tools gathered dust on a shelf as I got busy doing coaching and trying to be successful!

My personal development stopped. I’d get stuck with some of the basic business challenges because I wasn’t growing. Others around me seemed to be growing faster and getting more success, this hurt!

Here’s what I realized…

Buying learning won’t help you to learn – You have to READ and APPLY the tools consistently! This is where most of us fall down.

I was trying to grow my business without growing myself.

This also applies if you work in the corporate world. You get promoted and take on a leadership role and there’s a whole new set of responsibilities placed on you!

Whether you work in corporate or for yourself, one of the minimum requirements of being successful is your ability to grow. The “Future belongs to learning.” Active continuous personal development separates the successful from the mediocre… and the gap between the two is wide!

Here’s my personal development success formula…

You have to INVEST in yourself on three levels:

1. Invest money (I was good at buying the books, mentors and resources!)
2. Invest time – (I didn’t invest the time because I was too busy doing!)
3. Invest attitude - (I invested in a growth mindset and take my personal development very seriously)

All three need to be present…

I know individuals who have ignored these and it has destroyed their careers by developing fixed mindset and  relying purely on status, ego and past experience to solve future problems. Learning is seen as a weakness by these people!

If you stop learning, you stop leading. You stagnate and you will fail.

Successful people invest time, money and attitude in their own personal development and it pays off.  They take learning seriously because they recognize its real value.

Here’s how to grow your own success from the inside-out:

1. Start from where you are now – You may have loads of resources backed up. Just choose ONE! Commit to working through that one resource, then move onto the next. Begin today.

2. Read for an hour a day – Wake up an hour earlier each day and read each morning first thing. If you do this 5 days a week – that’s five hours of reading! Just think how many books you could read in a year and the advantage you would have over your peers! Make notes and apply one thing you’ve read during the day (Start with 30 minutes and build up. Turn the TV off and read for an hour each night if you ‘don’t do’ mornings!).

3. Listen to audio books on the move – I listen to learning while I’m working out at the gym! I find the gym boring! Now I learn as I workout and time flies by. I make a few notes back in the changing room! You can also listen as you drive, fly or take the train!

4. Have an ATTITUDE for learning – Is your passion and commitment for what you do greater than any inconvenience in timing or travelling? I travel thousands of miles for my own personal development it’s not always convenient – I look beyond discomfort because I’m passionate about being the best I possibly can be. Get out from behind the convenience of your computer and look beyond the discomfort of travelling! Take your personal development seriously – Mean it! Activity seek out specific events and trainings that will help you grow. Group learning can expand your mindset and your skillset. Go to the source of the expertise and learn from the best if you want to be the best!

5. Plan your personal development time – Schedule dates and times for each week and show up! Look for opportunities to learn – Carry a book or IPad with you! Read while you wait for appointments (Instead of wasting time on Facebook!).

6. Apply what you learn – Reading is only a small part of the process. Growing involves USING what you’ve learned and is critical for success. I know hundreds of managers who have read: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey, but only about 15% have actually applied any of the content to their life.

7. Work with a mentor – If you want to run a million pound business, then you want to learn from someone who has first hand experience and can provide wisdom, intuition and support. Working one on one will help you to: stay focused, be accountable, keep your commitment and create the discipline and persistence to make things happen.  A coach or a mentor can help you to maximise your potential and be the best in your career or business.

Are you passionate enough about your success to seriously  INVEST in your personal development?

How much do you REALLY WANT to be successful?

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By elaine, April 11, 2012 4:50 pm

“I care about you. I care about your future. I care about your growth. I’m here to create a climate in which you will blossom and flourish.”

~ Marshall Goldsmith and Laurence Lyons, Authors.

James, one of my clients, is a manager in corporate. One of his many roles is to coach his staff.

Two weeks ago he asked me how to create a coaching environment over the phone. He has recently acquired a virtual team that presented him with communication and time zone challenges. He was worried that he’d not be able to coach his staff effectively.

Here’s what we discussed…

Helping others is a natural human motive and is stronger in some people than others and it’s especially important if you are a coach.

The quality of the conversation is EVERYTHING…

I believe that all coaches are motivated by their ‘desire’ to help others. The above quote summarises this perfectly for me (it’s also an awesome intention to set before any coaching session!). A great coach will authentically communicate this all the time.

(By the way, if you don’t buy into the quotation – You shouldn’t be coaching!)

It’s important to create the right climate and hold coaching space for every person you coach.

What do I mean by this?

Have you ever tried to impose your wisdom onto someone else?!

No matter how hard you try, you can’t change someone else – The other person has got to be open to the conversation and WANT to change.

Sometimes the mention of the word coaching is enough to make someone resist a conversation, especially in the corporate world, where coaching is imposed because it’s part of the manager’s job. This could be for many reasons:

• It feels like it’s something that is imposed and done to you
• There’s a low level of respect for the coach
• The person is resistance to change
• They have a low motivation to learn
• There’s a lack of understanding
• The timing is wrong

Some coaches fail because they jump straight into the coaching and try to drive through their own agenda. This creates lip service and resistance to coaching.

Here’s how to create and hold a safe coaching space:

Before any coaching session:

1. Consider your motives – What is the purpose of the session? What are you intending as an outcome? What do you want your client to do, be or have as a result of your time together? Get clear before you begin.

2. Who’s leading? – Who is driving the conversation? Is the session coach led or client led? Or a combination of the two? If you are the client’s manager, this might influence your approach.

 3. Set the scene – It’s good to have a framework for the conversation. Signposting the way helps put your client at ease because they understand what is going to happen to them during your time together. If the conversation is client led, let them set the scene. What do they want to do, be or have as a result of the conversation?

4. The Environment - Choose a neutral environment, private and away from any distractions – other people, phones and computers.

During the session…

1. Build rapport – Be yourself! Create a natural conversation where the other person can feel comfortable and safe to speak. Set a relaxed and focused tone. Lead the way here. This will naturally guide you to the purpose of the session rather than jumping right in, “so what do you want?”

2. Lose your ego – Strive for authenticity instead popularity! You might be their boss, but you are both human beings and have the same level of value, worth and dignity. The client needs to feel comfortable and that they can speak freely. If you exert your authority as a manager, (or as the coach) then you’ll create an environment of compliance rather than engagement. Create a sense of leadership in the way that you navigate through the session without being controlling.

3. Be 100% Present – Make your client feel like they are the most important person in the room. Let go of your To Do List, emails and your outstanding challenges. This session is 100% about them. So be 110% present for them.

4. Be ‘genuinely interested’ in the growth and success of the person you are coaching. If you’re a manager and you’re coaching one of your team, you also have vested interest in their success – After all, they help you to achieve your goals!

5. Know the balance of when to help and how much to help is also important in the relationship. If the coach doesn’t act in a way that reflects a genuine interest in being helpful then coaching will be unsuccessful.

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By elaine, April 4, 2012 4:27 pm

“Coaching is a conversation, or series of conversations, that one person has with another. The person who is the coach intends to produce a conversation that will benefit the other person (the coachee) in a way that relates to the coachee’s learning and progress.”

Julie Starr, Author The Coaching Manual

It’s impossible for us to learn everything on our own. We sometimes need help and support. It’s great to have a conversation with someone who can be a sounding board or who provokes deeper thinking on a topic or issue that you might be struggling with.

Coaching can be an informal five minute conversation at the water cooler or a formal development session lasting an hour or more. It’s all about helping someone move forward, make some changes and progress towards their goals.

We unconsciously coach people more than we realise. We just don’t label a conversation as coaching. Sometimes it just happens naturally… I’ve coached people in the most unlikely places, at airports, on planes, while having a pedicure, at parties even during a hike!

As an accredited trainer of coaches, I’m often asked: what is the difference between coaching, mentoring and training? New coaches often get hung up on the ‘label’ coaching and worry that they’re not doing it right! Will the Coaching Police track them down if they stray into mentoring or training?!

The term coaching means different things to different people (Trust me here okay?! I spent months at University researching the definition of coaching and there isn’t a definitive answer!).

The reality is that as a coach, you may use mentoring, training and consulting as part of your approach. You are the facilitator of an engaging conversation that creates space for the other person to come up with creative solutions that they hadn’t thought of before. In other words you are helping them to build their own creative fires within.

 Let go of the label and focus on the quality of the conversation!

 The word coaching is often used as a generic term to label the relationship between the two people involved in a learning partnership. It’s rare that anyone uses coaching in its purest form 100% of the time. What’s important is that you are creating a learning conversation that helps the other person to grow or make change.

The only person who determines whether the conversation was actually a coaching one is the person on the receiving end of it!

 Here are ways five ways to recognise when you are having a coaching conversation:

1. The focus is on the other person – It’s ALL about the other person’s current situation or experience.  It’s not about you, your ideas, the story of when this happened to you or your solutions!

2. You are listening more than talking – You are listening, questioning and observing the conversation.  You are 100% present and your focus and attention in on the other person and what they are saying. You are fully tuned into them and what they have to say.

3. You’re helping them describe their current reality – Through your questioning you are helping them explore and describe their reality of a situation. You are facilitating the conversation so they can understand what is going on, recognise any challenges and then begin to generate options to move forward.

4. They are asking you for answers or advice – The other person is looking to you for help. They don’t know what to do. Most people jump in with their advice and tell them what to do. They miss the opportunity to coach!  Create space and encourage them to think it through for themselves, with a few questions from yourself.

5. Your expanding their view of the situation – You encourage others to work it out for themselves through your conversation and discussion. You are helping the other person expand their thinking or view something from a different perspective. You might be holding up a mirror to reflect their own view back to them.

If you’re learning to be a coach these are good reminders of how to show up for your client. It’s so easy to give advice and offer solutions instead of allowing the other person to work it out for themselves with your support. If you’re thinking of working with a coach, these are great characteristics to look out for!

Happy coaching!