Comments (0)

By elaine, February 2, 2012 12:18 pm

“The quality of your attention determines the quality of other people’s thinking.”

Nancy Kline – Author.

Many years ago I used to have a boss who liked the sound of her own voice so much that she wouldn’t let you speak. If you did get a chance to talk, she would talk over you and finish your sentences.

She used to equate talking with being the manager. She was a poor listener jumping in too soon with her own ideas. It was suffocating to be on the receiving end because she’d never give you any time to think. She was too eager to give advice.

My attention was splattered every time I was interrupted. I’d avoid speaking with her unless it was really necessary because I always felt drained by the experience.

We are all guilty of tailgating someone else’s conversation. In some way interrupting seems irresistible. For a few of us, interrupting has become a habit – it’s hard not to do it.

This was true for one of my coaching clients who realized that when he finished people’s sentences he was making these assumptions:

• I’m the boss so I’m more important
• I knew what they were going to say
• The other person was over-talking so it was the only way to get my idea across
• I was saving time
• My solution was better than theirs
• If I didn’t say my idea in the moment I would forget it

When you finish someone’s sentence for them, you’re usually making one or more of these assumptions:

1. That they can’t finish it for themselves
2. That you know the exact words they are about to use.
3. That your choice of words will be better!

You may recognize some of these…

How often have you finished someone’s sentence and got it wrong? You may have chosen the wrong word or totally changed the ending of the sentence and said the opposite to what they were about to say!

We’re often too focused on our own self-importance to notice how our interruption affects the other person.

Their internal experience changes the moment you started thinking for them rather than allowing them to think for themselves. Their attention is lost because your interruption cuts them off from their own understanding of what they were saying.

The important thing is that they were saying it.

One of the greatest gifts you can give someone is to listen with respectful attention and without assumption.

As a coach and people manager, I have come to realize that listening with attention is hugely important because the quality of my attention impacts the effectiveness of the other person’s thinking.

Allowing someone space to search for their words adds quality to their thinking. You’re allowing people to think for themselves rather than imposing your own thinking upon them.

Most people have ideas that matter whatever their status or position. Don’t judge them with your assumptions. By ‘getting out of their way’ you are creating a space for their thoughts to be fully developed. This opens up new possibilities that could make a difference.

Next time you feel the urge to interrupt or finish someone’s sentence:

1. Notice that you’re about to interrupt them.
2. Shut up!
3. Step back and allow them some space to search for the words themselves.
4. Stop trying to think for them.
5. Allow them to play in their own dog park! I LOVE this metaphor: It’s safe environment where they know you won’t keep interrupting them. Where their mind can be allowed to roam around freely to imagine, create and explore things without being on a leash! In other words: without being manipulated by your assumptions!

Comments (0)

By elaine, January 26, 2012 12:35 pm

“Just trust that everything is unfolding the way it is supposed to. Don’t resist. Surrender to what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.”

Sonia Ricotti – Author.

Do you ever feel like things are not turning out the way they’re supposed to?

Sometimes we try to achieve something aligned to our goal but it doesn’t work out the way we intended. You may not get the result you thought you wanted.

Whatever the situation, it’s easy to become reactive and resistant. You can get locked into negative thoughts: ‘I’m just not cut out for this…’ or ‘I knew I wouldn’t win anyway!’ or ‘It shouldn’t be this way…’

…And it’s easy to become the victim.

Complaining, getting upset or judging just prolongs the pain and it doesn’t help you to change anything. Instead you continue to resist the reality of the situation.

The key drivers of resistance are fear and uncertainty. This is enough to stop us growing and we become stuck in a fixed mindset.

People with a fixed mindset want to play it safe. They need to know the end before beginning. Their fallback position for staying safe is that if you’ve not really tried hard, then you can always say I didn’t really try.

It’s easier to avoid failure by waiting for perfection. You put things off to read yet another how to book or attend another workshop because you’re STILL not quite perfect (or safe enough).

Resistance stops us from growing and learning and pulls us back to that safe place, where we settle and survive. Our own fear to try something different holds us back.

Resisting takes a lot of energy and effort to maintain (Trust me…I know this personally!).

Here’s the thing…

Trying something new and stretching out of your comfort zones is ALL about growing and learning new things. It’s a BIG puzzle that you don’t know the answer to. It’s challenging but fun because you get to work it through! My mentor recently described this like being in your own novel: You get to see how you’re going to get out of it!

…It’s just that you haven’t learnt it yet! That’s all.

The best way out is through…

See the situation as a puzzle to be solved. See the challenges and obstacles as your raw materials for the solution. You have everything you need!

The important thing here is to keep moving in the direction of your goal, no matter what the Universe presents to you.

Your intended result may not always happen and this is perfectly okay. Rather than cling onto the pain or discomfort, let it go so that you can move onto something better.

You can’t fail to learn…

When one door closes, I always find that another door opens and it’s usually to a bigger and better place.

Here are some ways to move forward:

1. Stop resisting what is – Stop resisting what’s going on in your life just now, and choose to accept the current situation and the facts. E.g. I didn’t win 1^st Prize. I currently have a heavy workload. Just accepting the situation can release the pressure and make you feel better. Don’t associate any meaning or emotions to it. This is all about accepting what is.

2. Get Clear on what you want – Re-align to your goal. Get clear and re-decide on what you really want. Remember WHY it is important to you and re-commit your attention and energy.

3. The Source of your power is YOU – Take responsibility for the current situation. It’s okay and you will work it through. Learn to listen and pay attention to your instincts – don’t ignore them (You know…That little intuitive voice deep inside you – The one you often ignore!). You already have the solution inside of you it is drowned out by all that resistance and noise. Choose to step into your power and listen to your inner wisdom.

4. Take Action – Consciously start with the first logical step, then take another one, then another. Lean in and create some momentum a little every day.

5. Get support – You can’t do everything alone. Sometimes it helps to have a sounding board, someone who isn’t close to the situation who can offer support. A coach can be present for you in many ways. Asking for help is perfectly okay and sometimes very important for your success.

Let go of resistance and follow your heart – And your world will change!

Keep moving forward. There is no failure.

Comments (0)

By elaine, January 19, 2012 10:49 pm

“My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.”

~ Ashleigh Brilliant

There’s so much to do. It’s easy to get swept up in the tide of doing that you never take some time out to be still.

Stillness feels like you’re not being productive, that you’re being lazy. So you avoid it at all costs and carry on doing instead.

Sometimes STOPPING and STEPPING BACK is exactly the right thing to do.

Recently, I had some big decisions to make about the direction of my business. I knew that in order to continue to expand I needed to make changes to the WHAT and the HOW. To do this I firstly needed to reconnect to my WHY by re-aligning to my original vision and intention and really get clear.

The thought of this scared me and every time I took a step towards it, resistance would come up and I’d avoid it completely. I’d lose myself back in my business: getting on with the doing to keep my mind busy instead.

I learned that avoidance is not the solution to any challenge or uncomfortable situation. You have to work through it. Sometimes working through it involves preparing yourself mentality and physically beforehand.  If you’re tired and overwhelmed then it’s impossible to think clearly or believe that your goals are actually achievable.

Sometimes you have to STOP!

Take a break and step back from the immediate situation recharge your battery and re-connect to your clarity and motivation.

Here’s how…

Just STOP! – Even though my instincts told me to keep working and get on with the job. I decided to take a full weekend off. No email, no working in my business. The theme of this weekend was REST and RESTORE. The laptop and IPhone were powered down. It was tough fighting those old habits but I kept away for two whole days!

Do something you enjoy – I enjoy hiking. Getting outdoors and bathing myself in the beauty and awe of Nature restores my soul and energy. I literally feel my cells refueling themselves. Nature also has a way of grounding and reconnecting you to who you really are. Being outside makes me happy and fills me with joy. Have some fun!

Sleep it off – Go to bed early! I went to bed at 7.15pm that evening and woke up at 7am the next morning! I felt a totally different person. You body talks to you constantly. When you’re tired – go and rest. Seriously! This is one of the best things you can do. Everything looks different when you’re not tired. You can make decisions with clarity and focus.

Stillness speaks – I ALWAYS find the solution when I allow myself some space and time to be quiet and still. The negative voice in my head eventually gives up and is replaced by space. In the silence the shoots of wisdom burst through. Allow your sub-conscious to work on things while you’re relaxing or resting. Give your mind a time-out!

Get some help – I checked in with my mentor who was able to listen and guide me though the resistance I was having. She helped me to re-focus and build the fire within. Challenges are the raw materials for solutions. Talking them through creates a portal for options to be generated and explored.

Take one step towards it – You can only get things done one step at a time. Create the next logical step and take it. If you want to transform something you can’t do it all at once. Step by step. Taking small action starts to build momentum.

Give yourself the gift of stopping and taking a break. It doesn’t have to be a weekend. It might be an hour or two. It can make ALL the difference!

Comments (0)

By elaine, January 5, 2012 11:23 am

“Death is not the opposite of life. Life has no opposite. The opposite of death is birth. Life is eternal.”

~ Eckhart Tolle –Author of Stillness Speaks

A few weeks ago I was hiking in the New Forest in Hampshire, UK. We came across a large patch of ground that was scorched and burnt. Tree stumps and gorse bushes were blackened and destroyed. A fire had ravaged here only few weeks before reducing this part of the forest to charred and twisted branches. Everything looked dead.

This made me feel sad.

As we walked closer I was amazed to see small green shoots already growing out of the ashes and charred forest floor! There was a small carpet of green. In such a short space of time Nature had got things covered and the earth was already pushing out new life…

Nature is a great source for a lesson in life!

Think about it for a moment…

Imagine how brutal and devastating that fire was. How the trees and bushes were destroyed so quickly. In the aftermath of death the earth creates life. Shoots burst through the soil and new bushes and trees begin to grow towards the sky again. This is what happens. It’s a cycle.

This is life and this is just what we do too.

Here’s how I see it…

When someone dies the loss of that person (furry or human) creates a huge space in our hearts. This vacuum is like fertile soil. It is filled like the forest floor offering up new seeds of hope, possibilities and growth. It can take time and it certainly feels raw and painful for a while. These are the healing and growing pains that create our new sea of green. We create life and are part of the same cycle.

I have experienced much loss in the last eight months. Losing my cat (Ashley) recently really made me question why would I ever want to put myself through all this pain and upset again?  A good friend reminded me that grief is part of life. Letting go is like the fire – all things have to die this vacuum is filled with more love if you’ll allow it in. You have an unlimited capacity to love again. For me, I know there will be another kitty to fill that new space in my heart when the time is right. Ashley has been a wise teacher he taught me about the true gift of giving and receiving unconditional love.

Death is a natural part of life and it’s normal to feel loss, sadness and pain. It’s okay to cry. Whenever it approaches open up you heart and walk through it – Remember the opposite of death is birth that is the true gift.

Comments (0)

By elaine, December 31, 2011 11:52 am

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours – it’s an amazing journey – and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.”

~ Bob Moawad

I always get chills when I read this quotation… It reminds me about taking RESPONSIBILITY and how easy it is to ‘blow it off’ and blame someone else for me not achieving my goals or creating opportunities in my life.This got me thinking about goals and making things happen.

Okay… As it’s that time of year again let’s talk about New Year’s Resolutions for a few minutes.

A few months ago I read a study by Gallop and USA Today. It stated that New Year’s Resolutions don’t actually work:

25% are broken within the first week.

53% are broken within three months.

92% are broken by the mid-end of the year.

While these statistics are common knowledge and available to everyone – How many of us still pitch up on New Years Eve and set the same old Resolutions adding the declaimer: “…Ah! But THIS year it’ll be different!”

According to the research here are the reasons WHY people break them:

1. We set unrealistic expectations
2. We weren’t really committed
3. We were looking for a quick fix

Which of these have you used in the past?

(I’m guilty of all three!)

Here’s the thing…

Most goals involve discipline and persistence to make them happen. Without taking conscious sustainable action your goals are just wishes. …And we’re all very good at creating ‘wish lists!’

So here are five ways to make 2012 the MOST Brilliant Year Yet:

1. Set your intention on multi-levels – The reason most resolutions don’t work is that they address only one level of your life. 
It doesn’t address the core of the issue. 

Often they are set from the OUTSIDE-IN not from the INSIDE-OUT. That’s why most diets don’t work and why gyms are always busy in January! You set off with a good intention but you’re focused only on the doing not the thinking or feelings behind the intention. So as soon as it gets difficult, out come the excuses and we stall. Understand your WHY as well as what needs to be done. Sustainable change happens when you engage thinking, feeling and action – You get the desired results.
2. Be Committed and take FULL responsibility – Are you committed or interested? Well? Which one are you in relation to your intention? There is a huge difference between the two. You have to be committed for things to happen. Even when you don’t feel like it. Growing and changing requires two very important ingredients: DISCIPLINE and PERSISTENCE. (A great coach will help you to stay accountable!) Take 100% RESPONSIBILITY for your life. Decide to BE excuse free in 2012.
3. Quick Fixes Don’t Work! – We live in a world of quick fixes and short-term goals. We want results NOW! Some goals take time to achieve so we become impatient and frustrated. Short-term fixes don’t create sustainable change. Sometimes we set an overwhelming goal before we begin. E.g. lose 20lbs in weight. It’s unrealistic. Write down your goal. Break it down into smaller milestones and do-able steps. Set timeframes and deadlines. This gives you something realistic to aim for in the shorter term. You create forward motion.
4. Believe and Achieve – Have faith.  Wishing keeps your goal out there somewhere. When it’s external to us it’s much easier to come up with excuses and reasons not to achieve it. You have to believe to achieve. Set your mind for success. If you don’t believe it will happen – I guarantee that you’ll never achieve it.
5. Choose a word to help you navigate your year – This is a powerful journal-writing tool that will get you clear and focused as this New Year begins. I have used it for the last three years. It will help you set the most authentic and powerful intention for yourself and your success in 2012! I use my word as a touchstone to re-align myself to my goals throughout the year. Click here to download this awesome tool.

Don’t become one of these statistics in 2012… How are you going to make a different difference in the next twelve months?

TODAY could be the day that your life REALLY begins – Don’t waste it!

Comments (0)

By elaine, December 1, 2011 9:43 am

“How can we be genuine when we are desperately trying to manage and control how other people perceive us?”

Brené Brown, Author

I recently coached a Jack who wanted to be like his mentor. Jack tried to be the perfect mentee. He wanted his mentor to like him.  So Jack tried to second-guess what his mentor was thinking about him. Jack started to feel nervous around his mentor because he was frightened of saying or doing the wrong thing.

It was exhausting!

Here’s what Jack learned from his experience…

You know when you’re in the presence of an authentic person. You gravitate towards them because they feel real. There’s a warmth and openness that makes an authentic person engaging.

Here’s how some of my clients describe authenticity: ‘being honest and open,’ ‘down to earth,’ ‘ego-free,’ ‘being real,’ ‘tell it like it is,’ ‘able to laugh at yourself,’ ‘natural,’ ‘genuine’ and ‘being your true self.’

We are all striving to be authentic in our lives. We want to have a sense of who we are and confident enough to share it with those we interact with.

Often we are scared to present our real selves to those around us because we’re frightened that others will perceive us as flawed, unworthy and they won’t like us. Fear and shame stops us from sharing our real selves with others.

Instead of being natural, spontaneous and genuine, we unconsciously become inauthentic: we tell others what they want to hear, we pay ‘lip-service’ to the truth, and don’t speak up when it really matters.

You let yourself down and feel dishonest for misrepresenting your own beliefs.

You feel incongruent and the conversation with the other person becomes difficult because you’re trying to second guess how they might perceive you and if that looks okay. Shame takes over: ‘What happens if they find out what you’re REALLY like?’

Here’s another way of looking at it…

Inner YOU: This is the window into the ‘real you.’ How YOU think and feel on the inside. This YOU is natural, genuine, spontaneous, humourous and open. It’s your authentic self where you are aligned, joyful and relaxed.

Perceived YOU: This is the YOU that other people perceive you to be. Usually described by other people’s feedback of you. ‘You’re lazy!’ ‘You don’t think!’ ‘You’re unorganized!’ Have you ever spoken to someone who perceives that they know more about you than YOU do?!

Role Description: In life we play many roles simultaneously. It’s easy to put on our role description hat and say what we think we should say to please the other person. Playing the political game to keep the peace. (How many times have you done this to your boss?!) We live by unconscious rules that we’ve created and these can limit our potential.

Instead of living from the inside-out and presenting our authentic self to the world around us, we sacrifice our authenticity in an effort to become how others perceive us to be, or in alignment with our role descriptions and how we think we should behave for others to like us. We live life from the outside-in.

This takes a lot of effort and energy to maintain because we’re fighting a battle with our true self!

It’s self-defeating cycle that is fed by shame and fear.

Authenticity is about being comfortable in your own skin.

Are you comfortable in YOUR own skin?

Here are a few ways to check in with yourself:

1. 1. What are your triggers? Do you feel uncomfortable and incongruent in any relationships? Do you constantly worry about who you’re supposed to be and how you’re supposed to act? Are you unclear about who you want to be?
2. 2. Write them down. Start to notice when this is happening and write down WHAT is happening and HOW you feel. WHY are you acting in this way with that person?

1. 3. Share it with a coach. Reach out for someone to talk to. Being able to talk honestly about your feelings and your needs can make a BIG difference. A good coach can help you become more authentic. They will help you to shift old mindset patterns that block your success.

1. 4. Be the person you want to be. What do you really want? You may know what you don’t want. This is a good place to begin. People love you for who you are. You don’t have to pretend to be something or somebody else. Be PURE YOU… start to explore what this means for you.

1. 5. Let go of the role description hat. You are much more that the roles you play in your life. You don’t have to be everything to everyone else. You just have to learn how to be YOU. Allow your essential self to shine through. Being YOU is very liberating!